Vivian Hadding Visual Storyteller

2011-11-24T16:17:00.001-05:00

2011-11-24T13:03:00.001-05:00

Work in progress....

2011-07-21T22:20:00.023-04:00

Sweet Hugs and Kisses, Protection and Bliss

What is it about children that tear at your heart
Is it a curse being a Mom
We give them everything...as much as we can
Its never enough, not our love nor our time
We have precious little as we stumble half blind
Hurrying and striving to do all that we can
The dishes, the laundry, the cooking and gardening
The homework, their projects, plays, puppies and camping...
Hundreds of cookies, dozens of pies, butter cream frosting, cakes a mile high...
Pink Easter baskets, chocolate eggs, bright jack o' lanterns, paper mache'...
And what of those Christmases not long ago...hand made stockings, glittering cones,
Bedtime stories, prayers and a kiss
Promising always protection and bliss...

Then divorce like disaster takes hold of your life
In the blink of an eye nothing is right
No money for goodies, no time to bake pies...
No skating, no dancing, they give it all up
Yet you all forge onward working so hard
Struggling to make it, great sacrifice
And just when you thought you all might have a chance
Growth spurts ahead, rebellion a chant

They watch and they need you, perhaps more than before
And a year, then two passes and suddenly grown
They begin to embrace their own private lives...
Conversations gets harder, communication more strained
The fear in their eyes colder, pain harder to bear
And those innocent faces once overflowing with joy
Seem distant, demanding and so very lost

You wonder what happen, where you messed up
Instead of closer, you've all moved apart
Work always consumes you, time's not on your side
Something has severed, some bond, some tie
And no one is listening when you try to talk
The subject too tender, the memories too harsh

You must have failed them, somewhere along the line
You didn't pay enough attention
You didn't listen to your heart
You tried to understand the questions
You tried to heal all their wounds
You wanted to be a pillar of strength
You were a fool to have tried

Too long you had waited...too long you had dreamed
Until the child in you retreated
Until the child in you gave up
You began to let go of them
As they warned you to do
You prepared yourself for the inevitable...
Love never seemed to last

So you gave them to the wind
And you whispered to the moon
You prayed for their safe keeping
You wished the earth to heal their lives
You let them be as they had begged you
You turned to your music, your dance and your art.

They could not understand you
They could not follow in your steps
Your muse, your inner magic, your need to heal
Still you went forward day after day
Fighting the good fight, lighting their way
Trying to help them the best that you could

Perhaps non of them saw it, perhaps non of them cared
For where was their Mommy
Oh, where had she gone
Who's sweet hugs and kisses had kept back the dark
No, not this half stranger too busy to see
That non of it mattered, perhaps it never did...

2011-03-29T08:39:00.003-04:00

Flowing...waking up. Trying to get a feel for life....walking slowly like water sliding over rocks in a cool green pond...finding my rhythm slowly and deeply... listening to the sun in my heart. Cooking and cleaning, washing away the past....nurturing the present. Clearing out the toys, illusions, the hold of misdirected thoughts. Dancing with the wind, embracing, opening my heart.

2010-09-14T18:49:00.001-04:00

2010-09-08T11:33:00.000-04:00

2010-09-07T19:29:00.000-04:00

2010-09-07T10:26:00.001-04:00

One of my digital illustrations, drawn on my Wacom using Painter IX. That just means that instead of drawing this on paper and painting it with traditional watercolors, I sketched it directly to my tablet and used digital watercolors to paint it.

2010-09-07T10:24:00.000-04:00

2010-09-02T16:11:00.001-04:00

2010-08-29T18:00:00.000-04:00

2010-08-29T17:54:00.001-04:00

2010-08-29T17:40:00.003-04:00

A story I wrote and I'm illustrating in a 5 by 5 and a half inch journal for the 2010 Sketchbook Project...

Sheagua Dreamer of the Golden Sea, by Vivian Hadding

2010-08-03T22:38:00.000-04:00

2010-07-30T10:37:00.001-04:00

You Haunt Me: Two Hundred Thirty Four Days,
from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

You haunt me Dragon King
I am consumed by your spirit
Your heart holds my soul frozen
No other can enter there save you
For you filled me with your promises of hope
Promises of faith and a love like no other
Pure with divine grace
Chasing the shadows of fear
The memories of pain
A bolt of lightning shattering
Ancient illusion and disgrace
But now you are gone
And the wind it howls within me
Lone and desolate
I hear the falcons cry
Feel the eagle's flight in the night sky
Silent and lonely, yet free and proud
The myth of the Dragon King dissolved

2010-07-30T09:26:00.000-04:00

2010-07-29T10:45:00.001-04:00

2010-07-27T09:49:00.000-04:00

2010-07-26T10:28:00.002-04:00

a panel I began about an hour ago...just a lloose rough at this stage

an illustration I finished late last week...all these I sketched and painted on my Wacom tablet with Painter IX

An illustration I finished yesterday

2010-07-13T00:30:00.002-04:00

Song of the evening...Whataya Want From Me, by Adam Lambert

2010-07-13T00:11:00.006-04:00

Still Marching On...
From Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

Woke up today...what's the matter with me
Tears spill over, can't chase them away

Been so strong, been holding on
Nothing's changed, things just the same

Clinging to faith, praying for grace
Wiping my eyes, hiding my face

But it's been so long, I'm still marching on

Thinking of you now and again,
No that's a lie...been everyday

Going to work, raising my kids
Being their Mom, being their Dad

Lord it ain't easy, don't want to mess up
But it happens sometimes, try as I might

It seems so long, I've been marching on

Studying hard, following my dreams
Is it so wrong to want to believe

Running in circles, feels like these days
Can't see the progress, can't find my way

Walking in silence, lest you should see
The hundred million tears I've shed for thee

But it's been so long, I'm still marching on
Yeah, it's been so long and I'm marching on

2010-07-12T08:56:00.001-04:00

good site posted be a friend in one of my online art groups...very interesting

http://computeranimation-blog.blogspot.com/

2010-07-05T01:18:00.004-04:00

There are those that wish to forget and feel nothing thinking they can outrun the pain...and there are those that feel till it burns transcending their heartaches and find a new way. ~ Vivian Hadding

2010-07-04T00:44:00.001-04:00

song of the evening....Flames, by Vast

2010-07-01T09:27:00.003-04:00

Plugging along trying to stay focused and not let life pull me down...studying at and off work for hopefully the next level...first stage management...no guaranties but if you don't try you don't get. Divorce will be final in a few weeks. Its been such a long, hard, lonely road, no support from hubby ever for the kids and non to come...he ends up with all save our torn and tattered home, which hopefully come December I'll qualify for and I will be able to slowly but surely repair. I'll be borrowing lots of how to books at the library. Doing what I can and keeping my fingers crossed.
I'm still working on the illustrations for my Songs for the Dragon King graphic novel and studying writing, storyboarding and figure drawing amongst other things, to stay afloat mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally.
I've been teaching my daughter how to drive, next will be my son. I'm so proud of them for so many reasons, not the least of which has been their tremendous courage, maturity, wisdom and help through a very traumatic experience...an experience that has affected us all so deeply.
A hero's quest is never done and life is seems is a hero's quest for us all....

2010-05-31T20:33:00.000-04:00

"Gratitude is the light that illuminates the darkness. " ~ Vivian Hadding

2010-05-31T20:00:00.004-04:00

Leadership, by Vivian Hadding

A true leader is a visionary, a person who not knowing the outcome of his journey boldly steps into his dreams with faith, gratitude and wisdom, inspiring others to follow.

2010-05-30T09:39:00.004-04:00

Life is a Lonesome Road, By Vivian Hadding

Life is a lonesome road
Glittering with creative ventures
Each one unique and unfolding

Separating us from the loneliness
That seeks to engulf us
Each word, each note, each step
Another star to guide us
Lifting us higher
Opening our senses
Till our hearts run free
Of fear, of pain, of disillusion

2010-05-27T01:41:00.004-04:00

Battle Cry...from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

We do not look for war, but when battle seeks us we don our sword, shield and armor. At peace with our soul we rise bravely. Filled with fire we stand our ground and face our enemy. And, come what may...our hearts are clean and so is our conscious, for we inspire faith, hope and courage in those too timid or beaten to fight for true justice.

2010-04-13T09:03:00.002-04:00

Echos and Stillness, By Vivian Hadding...from Songs For The Dragon King

Oh but the night is deep
And I want to hear your voice
Answer my call

Soul to soul
In a dream
A wish spoken long ago

Stars flicker
The moon sits watching
Waiting for your return

Endless sea pounding
Wave after wave
Wears fear away

Till I am as soundless
As still as the mountains
In some sacred place

2010-04-12T20:28:00.000-04:00

Ain't No Body There, by Vivian Hadding

There ain't nobody there
There ain't nobody here
All you've got is what you've got to fear

But it don't matter cause you're always near
Keeping my heart free and clear
Make me laugh, make me cry
Dry my eyes with your highs

There ain't no body there
There ain't no body here
All you've got is what you've got to fear

Pull me in, push me down
Pluck the strings, turn me round
Sweep me up, hear the sound
Black and blues, fade to brown

There ain't no body there
There ain't no body here
All you've got is what you've got to fear

2010-03-24T04:07:00.005-04:00

Warrior...Part III, from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

"You don't understand."

"I don't understand what?" He demanded.

"How I feel. How much it hurts."

"Then don't let it." He stated flatly.

"Just like that...like that? Oh, so easy for you." She cried. "You, you men...all of you so hard, so cold, so uncaring. You say you're my friend, but you don't know the first thing that drives me." She walked away from him again, so angry, so hurt, feeling so rejected. She wanted to run, scream, fight him, hold him...something. She was wound so tight she felt she might explode. She hated him for not understanding. She hated herself for feeling so weak.

"Take it easy Shulinn...breathe." He told her. She was making him nervous.

She took a deep breath. "Sure, sure Ikomorushi, anything you say." She let it go. It was no use. The only one that ever understood her was the Dragon King and he had abandoned her..He her best and only friend. She pushed him out of her mind too. She couldn't trust any of them...she wouldn't ever again.

He saw her exhale, shoulders slump. She seemed so small, so lost and alone. "What's going on Shulinn?" He asked her.

"Him." She whispered. "He's everywhere and I can't escape him. "

"Who?"

"The Emperor." She whispered. "His men, his spies...He said he would destroy me and I fear he will succeed and not even the Dragon King can help me this time."

"He's just a man Shulinn...just a man."

"No...no. " She cried. "You don't know him. He has stolen my land and with it my power. He is part Mahoutsukai now and even the Rei must obey him." She held back the sobs that threatened to choke her. Hot, silent tears began to flow down her cheeks. She scrubbed them off roughly, angry at herself again. She turned away not wanting him to see her so vulnerable.

"I try to be so strong." She continued. "I spar everyday in the woods. I try to prepare myself for what's to come. But its just a mask, some leather to bind my heart so it won't fail me."

"What is it you want Shulinn?" He was angry, confused.

"Want...want?" She echoed his words and a fresh wave of anger nearly swept her away. She did not understand her feelings. At the moment all she really wanted...all she really needed was for him to wrap her in his arms and tell her everything would turn out OK. But he didn't and not knowing how to ask him she squared her shoulders, turned and faced him, smiled politely and bid him good night.

2010-03-24T03:44:00.002-04:00

This afternoon at home before work

Song of the day...White Balloons, by Sick Puppies

2010-03-22T12:03:00.000-04:00

song of the day....Odd One, by Sick Puppies

2010-03-21T09:27:00.016-04:00

Warrior, from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

She was sitting by the river folding her cloths. The sun brilliant in the west casting violet and crimson shadows over the trees. She stopped and inhaled deeply, feeling a little less alone. It had been a long winter and she welcomed the promise of spring. She closed her eyes and thanked the spirit of the ancients. It would be a year come summer since she escaped the Emperor and his men. She knew there was still a long struggle ahead. She didn't dare relax. She knew Lord Osamu had his spies about....those that knew her not, but had been taken in by the Emperor's power and charm.

She shook her head forcing thoughts of him out of her mind. He had never loved her. She accepted this now and knowing the truth gave her the strength to keep him from crippling her heart. She could see it all so clearly now...he had only wanted to possess her...keep her half alive...a puppet to torment and control. Exiled that's what she had become...an exile from her own home....her family's home. She had given up everything, even her dreams...but she no longer cried. She was free. She had made it this far without him...without any man not even the help of the Dragon King.

The woods rang softly with the sound of birds, wings fluttering gently. Day creatures began to settle for the evening. She opened her eyes and stood, the rest of her clothes were still drying on a branch near the river's bed. She stretched her arms overhead, first to one side then the other. The wind joined her and she began to sway to its rhythm. She danced with him...Fujin, with him and for him and the Rei...spirit of the trees. She danced for all the ancients and her own soul.

He watched her across the river. She was graceful, independent, yet there was an air of loneliness about her, a sort of sadness she hid within her dance. She strayed closer to the river now...only a few yards away. He moved closer too, edging his way slowly, quietly towards her. Her eyes flew open and locked with his. She seemed frightened at first, uncertain. She shifted slightly ready to run or fight if need be. She was trying to decide, her eyes wide and honest, they hid nothing from his gaze.

"Who are you!" She demanded, her voice straining for balance.

"Easy" He answered. "I mean you no harm."

Wordlessly she swept her arm and a branch seemed to dip and drop to her hand. "You have not answered my question." She persisted.

"You may call me Ikomorushi." He stated simply.

She shifted slightly to his left. Though he was across the river she knew not what weapons he might possess. "What are you doing here?"

"I was passing through the forest to Yushinu". He answered.

"Yushinu is abandoned, even I know that." She countered.

"I have been away a long time." He sighed. He was tiered and not in the mood for this.

"Why were you spying on me?"

"I was not spying on you." He said flatly. "I told you the truth. Now will you let me continue or would you rather fight?"

"I will be gone before you cross the river." She stared at him coldly.

"And leave most of your laundry behind Mistress? I think not." He added.

"I've already lost what's most important. Is it your intent to test me?

He gazed at her again with more thought than before. He could take her and they both knew it, yet it would not be an easy win. She had the forest on her side... Amaterasu's priestess perhaps and he really had meant her no harm.

2010-03-18T19:52:00.001-04:00

One of four horses acrylics on plywood I was painting for a friend...that's me in the pink jacket with paint brush in hand.

2010-03-16T10:34:00.006-04:00

A Hundred and Ninety Nine Days, from Songs For The Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

She could hear the warriors breathing heavily, grunting as they sparred with each other, even before she saw them through the trees. She had walked this same path for a while now, it was always the same even in the changing seasons. How long had it been since she first encountered them...It seemed like years when in fact only months had past. At first it had been so difficult to work among them. Even now she had to consciously slow her breathing.

She focused on her path, her intent. She would be wiser. She would heal herself from the memories, the fears of the Emperor and the Dragon King. The fact that they were all warriors was one of the main reasons she had decided to join them...trust, one of several inward battles that still haunted her.

She both feared and admired them and more...she needed them. Needed their strength, dedication and belief as an anchor for her own. She had been both alone and lonely for so long. She was determined to wipe the pain from her soul and move on, but first she needed to be strong. She needed to feel comfortable in the presence of men...strong, determined, spiritual men.

They still noticed when she joined them...some still stopped what they were doing and watched her work, but most left her alone. They knew she was a recluse of sorts or had become one...the result of many battles. They weren't sure what kind of war she had fought in, only that she must have battled for her soul seemed as riddled with scares as her body was of ink. She never said a word just stood quietly in a corner and began to spar. They caught her sometimes glancing their way, watching their moves and then applying them to her own. She was not like them, and yet she was not like most others either. It was almost as if she had walked between shifting realities, her own and trying to exist amidst those that populated their world. She was still clearly uncomfortable and yet they could see that she was beginning to settle into their space.. beginning to breath a little easier, allowing herself to relax a little, ever cautious, but more open.

2010-03-03T13:40:00.002-05:00

Quick sketch before work...Shulynn and the Rei from Songs for the Dragon King
by Vivian Hadding

2010-03-03T11:52:00.000-05:00

Playing around with Hooch our crazy dog after work last week.

2010-03-03T11:48:00.001-05:00

When the wind blows from the West I awaken
Then every breath becomes a song
Every stroke is sacred
Vivian Hadding

2010-02-10T20:47:00.005-05:00

Sometimes, by Vivian Hadding

Sometimes you just feel lost. There's no knowing what to do next, what will make things right again. Its as if my whole world has turned upside down...as if I'm caught inside a huge wave and I can't tell which side is up, let alone if or when the sea will wash me out again. Will I survive? Will we be safe? Yes, I have a strong heart, but God it hurts so much. And the children...they too have had to bare more than their weight. Still we go on.

I'm trying to hold on to some semblance if normality. I go about my life glowing, smiling, not letting others see. I hide the fears, the pain within me. I play my guitar till my fingers rip. Sometimes its the only thing that numbs the ache. I jog trying to get away, but no matter how fast I run I only get so far. Still, it helps, releasing some of the anxiety within me...some of the frustrations...the shattered dreams and frozen memories.

I do my Reiki healing. Say my prayers. Light my candles, meditate...try to illuminate my heart. Mentally I can grasp many things, but my heart lingers behind. I am tormented at times beyond what I think I am capable of withstanding...lack of spiritual strength I guess...lack of maturity or wisdom. As a Mom sometimes I think I fail my teens miserably...What they need...what they want...what they expect. As a human too perhaps...its hard to tell. I need so badly to be perfect and I feel so far most days at best...

2010-02-08T22:04:00.002-05:00

Letters to the Dragon King... 63rd Day. from Songs for the Dragon King By Vivian Hadding

I miss you. You creep into my thoughts, my dreams, my memories like the warm salty sea expanding and reaching into the very depths of me. It feels as if I've lost my best friend and with him, my heart and parts of my soul. Its stupid I know, but it happens daily all the same.

I listen to the wind for word of you, watch the sky for a sign...the ocean for a bottle. I don't want to give up but you leave me bitter choice. I am a fool, a dreamer, a believer, a child at heart that has little place in this world of harsh sceptics.

I came across a new village today. I spied on some warriors from afar. Some seemed nice and I thought perhaps I might talk to a few of them, get to know them better... maybe become friends. Its a scary thought, letting others in too close , but you never know what you might learn from each other if you don't try. I just want a few good friends...some brothers I can talk to without falling in love. Some brothers to help push you out of my heart...out of my soul, out of my mind. I'm not sure if I will talk to them, we will see. Perhaps a martial school would be best. A place to sharpen and grow my skills as a spiritual warrior...perhaps we'll just have to wait and see.

2010-02-04T08:46:00.002-05:00

A concept sketch for one of the tree spirits from Songs for the Dragon King. Sketched in Painter using a felt tip pen....first stage, done late last night.

2010-01-28T10:51:00.006-05:00

Conversations With The Wind...from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

She sat back on her heels, wiping the soil from her hands. She looked at her nails lamenting her lack of gloves. "Ah, no matter." She told herself adoring the pretty wild roses she had planted. Whites, pinks and yellows smiled back at her. She had found them unexpectedly on one of her long walks near the sea. They had been such a treasure, such a treat. All her years of gardening, all her vines and flowers had been left behind the day she escaped the Emperor and his men. She pushed those memories aside, shook herself awake from the dreams that plagued her most nights. "No! It was all a lie." She told herself. "The Emperor's love...the myth of the Dragon King...No. I must move on." She did not notice the wind at first, a slight breeze flowing from the east. It danced around her gently luring her away from the shadows of pain.

"How do you feel?" He asked her.

"I don't know." She answered laying back, stretching her legs. She knew she could confide in him, trust him to listen, to make her laugh. "Confused, alone, grateful, scattered, joyful yet sad. Its as if I'm sleep walking sometimes... drifting in and out of dreams...just doing what I must to survive most days and trying hard not to think too much about love."

"Why love? Why is it so important to you?" He settled round her.

"I'm not sure exactly, only that it seems to reside in the deepest part of my soul... More than that, it guides us, moves us, inspires us and gives us a stronger sense of purpose."

"Us?"

"Yes...us...all of us and yet so many of us turn it off, walk away...don't want to take a chance....But, it lives, it breathes it moves through all of us searching, tunneling, striving to break through our surface like a river searching for the sea."

"Us?" he questioned insulted. "The Wind hides nothing. The Wind fears nothing...the Wind blows freely, powerfully, gently. I can glide across your cheek, or wrap you fiercely in my embrace. The Wind fears nothing." He maintained. "The Wind just is."

"Yes." She answered feeling his breath warm and frisky. He was excited...passionate about life. He was life and he let his feeling show. "Oh, Wind..." She inhaled deeply allowing his touch to take her away. "You release me, if only for a while from the pain of the Dragon King."

"Why?" He whispered loving this woman who could appreciate him...who believed in him and felt so many things. "You are not like the others." He continued. " You see what others refuse to see...Feel what many dare not admit. We..my brothers and sisters and me, we would do anything to keep you, to heal and protect you." He inhaled her and she was momentarily swept into his scent...cool and refreshing, the way he knew she liked him best. "Why?" He whispered again wanting to understand."

"When I'm with you I feel carefree" She answered. "I am like you if only for a spell....brave, inquisitive, light, simple. I can create without fear, without shame. I can be me. I can sing and dance and play and feel safe...but more or just as much...I feel accepted, I feel protected, I feel loved."

He blew at the tears forming in her eyes, the tears that silently began to roll down her cheeks. He knew how much she hated to cry, how much she had tried to forget. He had watched Shulynn her whole life. He had loved her because she always believed.

2010-01-26T12:53:00.002-05:00

Quick panel for Meeting in the Forest scene from my Songs for the Dragon King using Painter to sketch digitally. Done in about twenty minutes before I have to get ready for work.

2010-01-24T14:43:00.003-05:00

A link to a new blog that I began today, a place where I can keep all my illos together for quick reference. Its going to take some time to get them all uploaded. Much was lost when I left my husband...he took so much of my digitally stored stories and illustrations. However, I have some and I will search for others in seperate files, both physical and digital. As for the rest...Providence will provide.
whitedragondreams.blogspot.com

2010-01-24T11:19:00.006-05:00

There's something about dreams, about visions, not the ordinary kind, but the ones your soul makes up in order to carry on. Those are the magical ones. The ones that live between the heart and soul. Like whispers in the winds of our minds urging us onward...telling us it will all work out.

I have those dreams, those visions and I can't stop myself either. Try as I might I need those dreams...those silent wishes.

There's my Dragon King dream and at the moment it seems to be one of the most important. Why? Because, he pushes me past what I thought I could achieve. Because he believed in me and my capacity to lose more than I ever thought I could, and to trust more than I thought I was capable of. Because he showed me who I really am and who I want to be and they are both the same. Because he broke the illusion the Emperor had cast over me and dared me to really see

He frustrates me this Dragon King. I don't understand him fully. I can't seem to shake him even when it hurts so much and his spirit seems so far away. I swear to myself that I will let go once and for all, at least once a day. However, eventually his presence creeps back in again gently, sweetly and unexpectedly. Because of him...of all these thoughts and emotions I have of him, I work harder. I immerse myself in my talents, trying desperately to forget, forgive and perhaps one day figure him out.

He's my imaginary mentor...my heart, my soul, my love. Why? God only knows, but, there's some tie between him and I...some unfinished business. Perhaps its just my spiritual growth and he's here to inspire and direct me. Not in the sense of telling me what to do, but in the sense that his presence or thoughts of him keep me feeling strong, loved and less alone. This is why we write. This is why we create characters in our hearts, in our minds.

We are artists, we are dreamers, we are storytellers and believers. We write, sketch, dance, sing, play and paint because we must. We do this in order to understand...in order to survive.

2010-01-22T13:01:00.002-05:00

Treasures from the sea gathered while on the beach the other day

2010-01-22T12:30:00.006-05:00

The Mermaid's Song, by Vivian Hadding

There is a place by the sea
I know so well
A secret cove
Where dolphins dwell
Where star fish shine
And seahorse play
Where dreams are made
Cares washed away

There is a place by the sea
I know so well
A secret cove
Where mermaids dwell
Where sea gulls dip
And play in sky's
Clear blues, bright golds
Mirror their souls

There is a place by the sea
I know so well
A secret cove
Where Neptune dwells
Where life rings true
With every breath
Where sirens sing
Of hope, of you

There is a place by the sea
I know so well
A secret cove
Where angels dwell
Where love runs deep
And undisturbed
Its presence felt
With every word

2010-01-10T20:29:00.002-05:00

Hooch wanting to get in on the action this afternoon...or cookies

My two youngest children... Ah...true brotherly and sisterly love

2010-01-10T20:01:00.002-05:00

Sitting at home with my oldest daughter Lyra today in front of some of my favorite things....Books! Yes! I love them much to my youngest daughter Kerinna's dismay...she thinks I have too many of them in our apartment.

I had this weekend off and Lyra and my three amazing grandchildren came over for a visit. We made cookies and pasta, went to the park, had a tea party with the little ones and watched The Golden Compass. Personally I loved the book, but the movie was ok.

2010-01-08T23:32:00.000-05:00

2010-01-08T23:19:00.002-05:00

Prayer for a Sign 30th Day... from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

Asked for a sign the other day

Needed to know heaven's way

Been a while since I dared dream

Been a while since I let myself believe

You left so suddenly

Without much warning

Only called to say goodbye

Once you were gone

Its all in the past though

The hurt that we gave

The fear in each other

Times wasting away

So I asked for a sign

If its safe to believe

In words never spoken

In dreams never lived

I woke with this feeling

Of incredible peace

And your presence hung round me

Like a blanket...complete

Felt so warm, so protected

Yet, there's nothing to fear

Still your soul seemed to hold me

Though you're no longer here

Seems so strange, so sublime

Cause we've never touched

That your heart can hold mine

Make it sing, make it shine

I will tell you one thing

This I know is for sure

I can't shake you off Baby

No, I never will

So I asked for a sign

Cause I needed to know

Are you real or imagined

Are you heaven's will

I've been meaning to call you

Hear your voice, say hello

Make sure you need nothing

Make sure you're OK

Feel so foolish to wonder

Don't know how you feel

If you want me or hate me

Just don't know which is real

So I asked for a sign

And three random acts came

Three cards with three angels

Peace, Joy and Have Faith

And my soul held each one

And my heart did give thanks

Still no word from you though

Kind of tough to hang on

On the road on the radio

Three old songs played today

From back when you lived here

From back when you cared

And last but not least

On the steps to my door

One lonely white feather

Staring up from the floor

So I picked it up gently

And I brought it inside

Placed it next to my rosary

By my angel of light

2010-01-05T14:14:00.000-05:00

Letters for the Dragon King 29th Day… from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

I saw you in my heart today, or rather I saw myself through your eyes. Funny how love is…how we try so desperately to understand why we are drawn to certain people…compelled towards certain souls. I keep trying to comprehend what I missed, what I could not see, could not accept. Even in my nighttime dreams I find myself always running from you, running away because I am so frightened of the pull… as the tides respond to the moon. That is how it is for me with you, this unexplained force that emanates from your soul and I like a rabbit trying to hide find no escape.

Is it love I fear? Is it love I feel? I have spent so much of my life in pain that I seldom trust my own feelings. I learned so early on to shut myself away. The problem is of course that that is not my true nature. My true nature is very trusting…wanting to trust, wanting to believe. It’s the stuff of nature, of magic, of spirit…of our truest selves and I always the rebel cannot but gravitate towards the light.

Ah, but you see the dilemma? The heart, the soul knows what it knows and deep down will not let the mind rest. Why is that, do you think? I wonder, for in my heart you have always been my mentor even before I met you…even as a child I prayed for you...I prayed for what all others consider a myth. Could it be that that was why our paths crossed? My hope is that I have been as giving to your needs…to your soul’s desires as you have so generously been with mine.

I miss you and I wish I could see you, but perhaps you only came to show me my strength, my worth through your eyes. It has been a long time since I was free…free to write, free to paint, free to play, free to dance. Perhaps I mistook your appreciation of my potential as love. Perhaps it is only my heart that needs to move on. Perhaps you did so the day you left. Perhaps is like a sky filled with stars…dreams waiting to manifest, hearts waiting to shine.

2010-01-05T01:26:00.000-05:00

Letters for the Dragon King…Full Moon Waning 28^th Day..by Vivian Hadding from Songs for the Dragon King

I begin to see more clearly why you left. You stated particular reasons, but sometimes I feel you were exasperated with me. I think you have always been more enlightened than the rest and therefore more able to rise above the pettiness, or perhaps you just mask your emotions better . But me, I’m a most difficult student, emotional, undisciplined, at times reckless and always soul driven. I feel I am so far from perfection and I want so badly to be perfect. It’s an illusion I know, this crazy drive of mine, this wanting to accomplish the seemingly impossible. It has always been. It has always propelled me past what I expected. It has helped me to survive and more, to thrive where it mattered most… in my soul.

No, I suspect you left not just for the reasons you accepted, for some of those reasons were perhaps born of an oversensitive heart. Perhaps it had more to do with the inner conflicts that plagued us. The ones you so obviously read in my eyes. The constant tug of war between my open heart and the raging fears in my mind. Even now it is difficult at times. There are hours sometimes even days when I feel strong, certain, confident and others where I struggle to maintain my faith…struggle to view all existence with only spiritual eyes. Perhaps this is my eternal quest, perhaps it belongs to all of us.

2009-12-21T12:45:00.001-05:00

Birthright, by Vivian Hadding from Songs for the Dragon King

Sometimes I feel there are no such things as dreams

Just fantasies we invent to protect ourselves from reality

But ever the dreamer...the believer

I look about me to the miracles in disguise

The blessings and friendships I've been given

Given, for in truth I sometimes feel I deserved them not

And worth is our spirit's power

Worth is our spirit's truth

Is it any wonder worth is the first thing our enemies try to strip us of

The thing they strive so desperately to deny us

A loss of worth is just another way to control...to disrobe our Divineness

Our sacredness, our strength

We have a choice

A daily vow

We can embrace our hopes or Their fears

Their fears, because we first tasted those fears through their lips

First witnessed it through their eyes

Through their self loathing and its manipulation of our trust

And who are they...

They are the ones that did not dare to fight

They are the ones that lost their way just miles from the gate

They are the ones who by their smallness needed to micro-regulate

They are the ones who let the memories of past aches rule their lives

They are the ones that could not let go and move on

Such appears the journey of life

Hurt and healing forever mingle in a jar...a body filled with starlight

When we focus on the pain, the fear, the loss then the star's promise is drained

When we tenaciously hang on with faith despite the odds, the nay-sayers, the pain

Then a dream far better than any we could have imagined is birthed.

2009-12-14T23:32:00.003-05:00

Silent Dreams, from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

Here I am
Stark and silent
Skin wind blown
Chafed
Heart sand scraped
Yet, still intact

How do I manage
All tied up

Open heart
Let it go
Dream of love
Not loss

Let the tide
Wash me now
Let the waves
Clear my mind

Carry weeds
From the sea
Cover me
Make me whole
Cool and dark
Hide my soul
Close my eyes
Can't control

Hear the birds
Eagles' scream
Watching, waiting
There for me

Join us now
Join us please
I hear their echoes
Hear their pleas

I can't respond
Maybe my fate
I have to stay
Have to believe

The Dragon King
Lives in my dreams
Waits in my heart
Sings in my soul

I have no answers
And fewer hopes
I feel a fool
Its hard to cope

But I am strong
My soul is brave
I won't give up
I'm going to wait

And late a night
Though cold, alone
He lights my life
Keeps my heart warm

2009-12-10T07:25:00.004-05:00

Darkness, from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

She found herself by the river's edge

She was half aware of having walked there

She tried not to think of the mistakes she had made

The tests she had failed

It seemed her faith in herself...in Him had faltered

Not once, but too many times

Since she'd left the Emperor's land

She knew that's why he'd left

She'd known the legend

She'd known the dream

Only great love

Could awaken the Dragon King

Only great faith

Could keep him in human skin

She clutched her heart and shuddered

It felt as it might stop

Dropping to her knees

She was overcome with grief

Her breath was sharp, ragged

Her throat threatened to close

She had promised she would not cry

Yet her face was moist

Silent tears streamed down her cheeks

She wondered why...

Why she had not been strong enough

Why had she been so foolish

Why she had let her faith fail them

She sunk even lower

Heart and soul both swallowed

In the cold, dark mud

Night setteled around her

But she was unaware of anything

Save the fact that he was gone

The realization

That she might never see him again

For he had been her mentor

Her passion

Her light in the darkness

Her heart's sheild

Her protector

Her strength

Morning..from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

She held the stones in her hands

Skin chapped and scraped

She wondered if the rest of her looked as worn

Certainly she felt so these days

She clutched the first one to her heart

Not fully conscious why

Cool and dark not quite round

Still, it felt right

2009-12-03T23:43:00.000-05:00

Thoughts in Passing...No Place to Hide, by Vivian Hadding

I want to run away
But, there's no place far enough

You live inside of me
Lodged in my soul

Why did you have to go
And wake me up inside?

Why did you have to try
Why did you have to lie

2009-12-03T23:27:00.003-05:00

Thoughts in Passing...Ancient Souls, by Vivian Hadding

Hope is a vision
A lie told to children by village elders
A myth to help each heart sing
For without innocence all is lost
Perhaps love is just a dream
And hope is all we've got
Then again
I never did grow up
Would rather sing
And dance by Moon light

2009-12-03T23:11:00.002-05:00

Thoughts in Passing...Wings and Rain and Broken Dreams, by Vivian Hadding

I must let go of everything
If I'm to grow my wings
I feel stuck in a world of my own creation
I must be strong

There are times I want so badly
Need so badly
to run away

The Chains
Restrain me
The pain
Enfolds me

Love,
Is just a faded dream

People are never pleased
Try as you might
You can never get it right

Everyone takes more and more
Till you lose your heart

Then you remember
That once long ago
You were worthy

Once long ago
You were born with wings

2009-12-03T16:32:00.002-05:00

Dialog Between Two Strangers...Almost Friends, from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

“What do you mean?”

“I need you to trust me, I need you to wait.“

“Wait? For how long?“ She whispered.

“A year or two.” He replied.

“What? No! “ She panicked. “I can’t!” She thought, “I’m not that strong, not without your smile, not without your touch...Just hold my hand, please give me a sign, something, anything to let me know this isn‘t all in my head.” But she couldn’t tell him that, try as she might the words just wouldn’t come out. Fear, she was gripped with a mixture of hope and a growing dread that he was just trying to comfort her. Grateful as she was for his friendship, his protection, she needed more, she needed love.

“Five, six months then.“ He pleaded.“

“Fine, five or six months.” She agreed.

That had been two, three, four months ago, before he had pulled away. Nowadays he hardly seemed to notice her, so she watched him less and less. It hurt too much to watch him work, to see him proud and glorious, to wait in silence while all the village women fought over his attention. No, she had called the wind, and the Eagle had answered and was watching, though she still loved the Dragon King.

He the dragon king, had walked past her today without so much as a Hi. His eyes angry and vacant, no warmth to be found. She thought back on the last time he had sat with her two weeks back.

“Hello.” He had said with sparkling eyes. “How are you?”

“Ok, and you?” She had replied. They had talked for awhile and as always she’d kept her true feelings in check. When emotion and sadness overcame her she would look away, afraid the tears would come. She had promised herself she would not cry, would not let him think her weak. No Tears had become her new mantra, her daily affirmation. A voice of pleaded reason like some sort of wise, cosmic companion in her head. She knew he had been pulling away of late. She knew but, she didn’t understand why. She tried to compose herself. She took a long, slow breath and turned back towards him. He was no longer watching her. His attention seemed focused inward as if he was contemplating a new problem. She waited rejected. She felt sure she was neither pretty nor smart enough to hold his attention.

He looked up abruptly, smiled, then looked down at his watch. He was either nervous or bored she thought. She was never sure which. That had always been her problem, she didn’t know how to read him, nor any man for that matter. Yet this was no ordinary man, this was part of a long forgotten dream…a myth or so her brothers had warned her. He was the legendary Dragon King. Part man and all magic to lure her in…into the depths of his dreams. What were his dreams she wondered? Always the same silent reply echoed in her mind, always the same silent hope mingled with fear.

She sensed his was a hope that could derail her, a wish half spoken that could betray her soul. Hadn’t he called her though, she thought back trying to recall the beginning. This stepping back from her was not the first time. He had left her once before. He had led her on with such power and conviction only to run away the moment she escaped the Emperor’s dominion. Yet the cards had tried to warned her. They had foretold of a coming test and more, they had counseled her towards forgiveness.

“Forgiveness“, her mind struggled, choked at the memory of his last long departure. Though she found forgiveness a simpler task, trust had always been so very difficult and she felt he demanded trust. He did not know her at all she thought. How could he and demand so much. “No!” She knew trust was at the root of all things magic, for it was all she had ever wanted, all she had ever known, all she had ever loved. She did not fit in this world and so she needed to believe all the more.

“Trust.“ She repeated and her soul held on to the word for warmth, life its very breath. She wondered not for the first time if perhaps her dreams had called him. “Does it really matter?“ Her soul questioned. Her mind began to wander again. Most days she believed. But, lately as the roads that had brought them together had begun to clear the tension had increased.

Perhaps it was her, perhaps she had too little faith and her lack thereof had unraveled the dream. The silence between them grew uncomfortable. He must hate me she decided. He must think I’m a royal pain. Way else would a man pull away?

“I have to go.” He said standing. It was always his way she thought sadly, always one or the other of them running away. “Be happy.“ He smiled again and left.

“Sure, I’ll try.“ Her voice trailed off. A voice filled with anguish torn between hope and dismay. A voice that never had enough courage to speak her heart’s worth.

2009-12-03T13:27:00.002-05:00

Its Three AM, from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

I dream of you
I pray, believe

I’m like a thousand women
Waiting for a dream

I sit and play
Another song

Light a small flame
Sing all night long

Just three more hours
Before the dawn

My fingers ache
My heart will break

Cause all my tears
Can’t wash the pain

Your eyes they burned
A hole in me

Cause I believed
And you don’t see

What all your promises
Have done to me

Unspoken love
Unspoken dreams

My breath is ragged
My spirit bleeds

And there’s not much
More I can say

When you come close
Then walk away

Perhaps its fear
Perhaps its pain

Don’t understand
The games you play

But soon enough
The wind will blow

And lift me up
And take me home

The eagle waits
He watches close

The tigers pace
They soon will know

The dragon sleeps
But soon must wake

He must decide
Before its late

2009-11-22T12:21:00.002-05:00

Just finished browning the meat, cutting up vegetables and adding all the spices , beans and tomatoes for a big pot of chili. My daughter has been sick and asked for some the other night. I've been working so many hours of late that there is seldom time for anything except some house work, a quick meal and some writing, sketching or both. Haven't touched my guitar in two weeks!!! Yikes, got to get back to it before I lose all my hard won callouses.

Anyway, I came up with another children's story the other day before work. I started the storyboard and then ran to my computer and began to write. I got a third or so of it down in fairly smooth draft, doing as much revision as possible as I work. As with most of my stories this one also follows a bit of my life. Moments of revelation or inquisition are my muse. The unraveling of the why, who, and how of my life....the way I seem to find understanding. Strange isn't it? The crazy way creativity works, or maybe its just my mind. Whatever, as is always the case these days, too little time but I'll take what I can get.

I'm feeling good, despite all the storms that try to slow me down. Yes, I do slow down, but only for introspection, meditation and to give thanks. Feels like I'm riding some sort of personal growth roller coaster and all I can do is my best, don't question, pray and hang on. Seems that's all any of us can do these days and maybe that's enough. "All things," my Mom used to say "Arrive in due time." One can not push the river, but rather learn to flow with it. Me?...Well I'm learning to let go and just flow. To trust the love and the light within me, to learn to fly even if I'm not always certain I have wings. No matter, if you believe the wind will catch you in its updraft at the very least.

2009-11-22T11:25:00.002-05:00

This was my first illo of Shulynn and the Dragon King for this particular scene. In some ways it is still my favorite, because of the unspoken tenderness Shulynn holds for him. I feel some of that deep love does not shine through as obviously in my third draft. What do you all think?

2009-11-22T10:50:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was the first chance I had to get back to this and I reworked Shulynn (the background figure) yet again. This is the third time I've changed her. I will post the first in a moment. Art, like writing is all about revising till it feels right. This use to be an unkonwn concept for me, being self taught I always assumed that ever artist/illustrator executed his work perfectly the fist time. Ha! Just like playing an instrument or anything else in life, you do it again and again till you get it right. ; )
I think this one conveys the feeling I wanted in this particular scene more accurately. In the two other illos she was loving, supportive and starry eyed almost idealistically so. I wanted her to show what I felt a true friend should be...loving, supportive, strong and wise...one who could also help the Dragon King not burdened him. I wanted to show her character's growth...maturity throughout their relationship.

2009-11-16T23:49:00.002-05:00

Hooch, our 8 month old puppy waiting on me to play.

2009-11-16T23:16:00.002-05:00

My drafting table and old Billy Bones (my model) in the background

Sketch on my Wacom tablet using a digital felt tip pen for my Songs For The Dragon King novel

View of my desk and digital work area

View of my bed and drafting table

2009-11-16T13:28:00.002-05:00

As some of you know my two youngest children and I have been on our own since July. Its been a tough journey though filled with blessings such as freedom of expression...to create, to read, to take a walk in the park...

I miss my woods and my home my dear animals. When I stop to think of the price we had paid for our freedom...well, I still choke up. I could be very bitter, but that's never been me. I can't stay angry, nor upset. There are rhythms and quests that the soul requires for growth and when you don't listen...when you try to hang on and fix others that don't want to be healed... Yes, I'm learning to listen more carefully, to let go more readily. To trust and commit to my dreams more fully. Things always work out for the best, you just have to hang on and have faith.

There have been so many blessings surrounding us. Many in the form of Self-realization, others in the form of humanities many kindnesses towards us. Its amazing how beautiful and powerful the world really is and the impact it has on us. Of course much of this has to do with being open, as in keeping your heart, your soul open to others...to humanity as a whole. For me its about growth, letting go, having faith, staying the course no matter the storms and being brave. Oh, and a huge measure of happiness in the gifts however subtle found and given on our quest is essential. One must never focus on the dark side of things...FEAR, the deep darkness within. But, like a lonely sailor tormented at sea, you must do your best and leave the rest up to God, Nature, Spirit...whatever your soul calls home.

I've been blessed with more hours than normal at work lately...season an all. But in between I still make time for my dreams. Here is a view to my new home where my friends constantly tell me I spend way too much time in. Except for work and the dog park I really don't get out much, so this is my sanctuary...the home of my dreams and stories...my bedroom and studio alike. And, my latest sketch for my Songs For The Dragon King. This one I'm sketching on my Wacom tablet. Its been too long since I had it up and running....so much to relearn in Painter X, though hopefully a bit of practice will help.

2009-10-18T12:21:00.003-04:00

In My Soul Angel Wings, by Vivian Hadding
from Songs for a Dream

In my soul
Long ago
You inspired

A vision
A dream
A great desire

And it grew
Like a beautiful flower
And it shown
In the evening bright as fire

I saw you
Light and golden
In the distance

An angel
A mage
A warrior

Fierce and stunning
Gentle and wanting

And your eyes met mine
In the moonlight
Swift
Demanding

Breathless
You sought me
You dared me

You called me
I answered

You held me ever after
In my dreams
My visions
My great desire

And we danced all night
Till morning

Under the stars
Fields of flowers
You loved me
Over and under
Without ending

In my ear
Soft breath
You whispered
Warm
Inviting

You filled me
With hope
Faith
And knowledge

And I longed thereafter

In my heart
Like a dove
You found me

Your love
Like wings surround me
Though I see you not

You hold me
You warm my soul
With your peace
Your beauty
Your comfort

2009-10-16T15:14:00.004-04:00

A Tale For Her Brothers, from Songs for the Dragon King,
By Vivian Hadding

She sat by the fire
Lonely
Absorb in her music
Rhythms and harmonies rose and fell
Spilling through the trees
Mixing with their leaves
Weeping to the beat of her heart

The wind heighten her perception
Cool, invigorating
Urging her onward
An eagle screamed
Promised release
If only for a moment
From the pain
The lost love of the Dragon King
The loss of the Evil Emperor's soul

They came from the mountains
Powerful, lethal and daring
Wild and wanting
They had been dreaming
When her ballads had awakened them
They smelled her soul
Lost sister
Luna's daughter
Free and frightened

They followed the notes
Vibrations ethereal
Mixed with the soil
The rivers, the winds, the oceans
Their blood raced to greet her,
It had been too long
Since they'd all dance together
Since they had shared their stories
Heard her laughter
Witnessed her smile

They ran as one breath
Brothers golden
Dark marks inked in varied patterns
Pulsing with desire
To reach her
To guard her
To heal her
To teach her

They circled and sat
Just beyond her awareness
Silently
Watching
Waiting
Giving her the time she needed
Before one stepped forward

Great paws
Deep earth
Claws uncoiled
Muscles flexed
Strength just barely restrained
And he asked

Sister, what ails thee?
Are you not free?
You have escaped the Evil Emperor
Was that not your wish?
Why did you leave him?

And she looked at him with deep sad eyes
And answered...

There was a time I loved him
I trusted and believed him
I thought of naught, but to please him
I sang for him
I danced for him
I put great care, great love in all his needs
I kept his heart, his home immaculate
Even when he strayed, when he mistreated me
I never gave in to my own desires
But, resoled myself to give him more
To make up for his inadequacies

After a time
He became even harder, colder
More calculating
He no longer loved me
He couldn't, for how can love be so harsh
So cruel, so thoughtless
He spent more and more time away
Waring and merry making with his friends
And yet, he kept me as a beggar
Wondering why he even bothered to keep me
Reminding me with every breath
That he owned me

When he did come home it was in anger
In chaos, in strife
Looking for someway to punish me
For his guilt
For his crimes
I stayed no longer his love
But his prisoner
Shackled and beaten
I hoped, I prayed
That his heart
Would someday return

I waited in silence
I waited in vain
I waited for a man
Too broken to be healed
Who did not wish to mend
For he thought himself perfect
And the rest
Just minions to be toyed with
I waited for a lost, forgotten dream

And when I'd lost all faith
All hope of ever being free
Of being whole again
I crashed into the Dragon King
He with his soul filled eyes
Knowing, searching
Pulling my dreams
From the depths of my heart

He rekindled my faith
He instilled such peace
And I,
I fell in love with him

But, he's a Myth
Her inked and golden bothers scolded

A myth she repeated,
He seemed so real to me
So powerful and gentle
Her voice cracked
She bit her lips to keep her tears in check
The Dragon King, she whispered
My dream no more
No more
No more.....
And she picked up her guitar
And she began to play
And sang so softly only the wind heard her say
I love you now and forever
But, I can not stay...

No more
No more
My dream no more....

2009-10-06T21:38:00.002-04:00

song of the evening....Love Remains the Same, by Gavon Rossdale

A thousand times I’ve seen you standing
Gravity like a lunar landing
Make me want to run till I find you
I shut the world away from here
Drift to you, you’re all I hear
Everything we know fades to black

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

Find the place where we escape
Take you with me for a space
The city buzz, sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I had to find just where you are
The faces seems to blur, they’re all the same

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

So much more to say
So much to be done
Don’t you trick me out
We shall overcome
So all have stayed in place
We should have had the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we’re over here

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time, too long defending
You and I are done pretending

I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Everything will change

I, oh I, I
wish this could last forever
I, oh I, I
As if we could last forever

Love remains the same
Love remains the same

2009-10-03T22:05:00.003-04:00

Concept sketch...Shulynn and the Dragon King
Been too many weeks since I've put pencil to paper and it shows. I've been an emotional wreck and could only concentrate on music. Time to focus and get back to illustating. Think I'll do some gesture sketches after work tomorrow to loosen up...a dozen or so aught to do it.

2009-09-30T17:31:00.003-04:00

Hooch is our angel from the shelter. He's been with us just a day short of a week. He's turned our lives around and filled our home with love, laughter and more sunshine than the Florida sun. He loves my bed and my art brushes, they're off limits, but you try and tell him that. Oh, and Epi...man's other Best Friend

2009-09-23T13:12:00.002-04:00

I Cry, by Vivian Hadding

I cry for all the sins
For this world's hate
I cry for all the mistakes
I make

For all the anger directed at my faith
And all the promises I can't take

I cry for all the love
I've yet to taste
Your eyes so tender
Full of grace

I cry when I must wake
And all the hopes that fill my head

2009-09-23T11:26:00.001-04:00

While You Just Watch and Wait, by Vivian Hadding

Spend my time playing and praying
It will all turn around
I've gone past the point
Of wanting friends or anyone
To see me in such a sorry state

Cause every pore is weeping
As my heart keeps on bleeding
While you just watch and wait

Spend my time dancing and dreaming
Of love and better days
I want to keep believing
But my mind keeps on screaming
Is it too late?

And every pore is weeping
As my heart keeps on bleeding
And you just watch and wait

Woke up this morning
Just as hopeless and last night
Lost and lonely
Its hard to write
Its hard to paint

Cause every pore is weeping
As my heart keeps on bleeding
While you just watch and wait

Picked up my guitar
My best and only friend
True and solid
It sings of faith, it sings of grace
It holds me up, helps ease the pain

Cause every pore is weeping
As my heart keeps on bleeding
While you just watch and wait

But the music keeps me going
And my heart keeps on dreaming
The hurt will wash away
And I'll be worth loving
Sometime, someplace, someday

Cause every pore is weeping
As my heart keeps on bleeding
And you just watch and wait

Yes, every pore is weeping
And my heart it keeps on bleeding
While you just watch and wait

2009-09-22T12:18:00.004-04:00

Acknowledging the Dream, from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

She felt alive
She realized for the first time in her life
It wasn't so much about being loved
But, rather
About acknowledging her love
Her worth, her life

She had spoken to the Dragon King
She had expressed her feelings
Her thoughts,
Despite her inhibitions
In an hour when it seemed
Her heart might never mend

He had listened patiently
Tenderly, but firm
And she loved him all the more for it
She appreciated him
His spirit no matter his outer guise
Man, dragon, underwater spirit
It mattered not
For he had been a friend
A teacher...her heart's love

He had believed in her
When she'd failed to see her own light
And now he knew
For she had told him
She had trusted her spirit
She'd confronted her feelings
She was freed

She had opened her heart
And having done so all sorrow
All pain had dissolved
She was open to life
All life

She played
She painted
She sang
And the tigers surrounded her
In love and mutual admiration
They had been waiting
Near an eternity
For her to wake up

She greeted them openly
And she smiled when they smiled
No longer fearful
Eager to partake of the dance

She knew not what the Dragon King would do
What he would say
But,
It no longer weighed down her heart
Her her part was done
She had passed her soul's test
She had confronted her fears
Her insecurities
She had learned to trust

Without strings
Without rules
Without wants
And the eagle
Seeing her smile
Enchanting, alight
Was drawn to her

2009-09-20T12:27:00.001-04:00

Some of us live in a world of dreams
Seldom fully stepping forth into others reality
Left to our own delusions or devices
Depending on our current point of view

Its not that we don't appreciate the company of others
But, rather we are like bottles of wine
That must breathe
We need to study
To step back and analyze
To play

Sometimes it keeps us from being in the moment
But when we do step forth freely, without inhibition
The moment is truly ours
There is no stopping us then
No emotion so strong that it cannot be greeted
No wave so delicious that you dare not ride

That is the very stuff of dreams
Of heroes and heroines
Of lovers and dancers
Of artists and poets
Of teachers and friends
And...
Of a mind and a heart
That can never be enslaved

2009-09-18T12:25:00.001-04:00

Letting Go...Honoring Change...Respecting Life's Lessons

So many changes of late...so many opportunities abound as well
But, there is an inherited sadness that dwells deep in my heart
A sadness born of many goodbyes

Goodbye to children suddenly too old to Mother in the ancient ways
Children independent and wise
Children who listen to their own voice
Not necessarily yours
But, no matter
We raised them that way,
To fail or fly
To honor their own visions
All we can do is sit back silently, watch and pray

Goodbye to my marriage
Nineteen years of numbered sweetness mingled with much pain
A man who I allowed to seep into my soul
One I thought might always be my friend
A knight in shinning armor not
Misplaced trust
But that's what you get
For giving yourself fully to another

People are strange that way
In that they change
Children, husbands, friends
Perhaps that's why long ago I only believed in the mountains
In the sea, the stars, the lakes
Trees where my original family after leaving the island of my birth
The ocean will always be my mother

Ok, so now you know I'm insane
Or else my being here is a huge mistake
Not entirely sure which its true yet
Perhaps a bit of both
But where was I...
Yes, letting go
Of my woods, my home, my animals and closest friends
Closest friends being my woods and animals
There is still such a great void in my heart
A void that I can't let loose for fear of drowning
God, Some times I feel so foolish

But, on to blessing and all that remains
I focus on my art,
My stories, my feeble attempts at music and dance
New opportunities that always fill the empty places in your life
I get up without fear of another's anger
I read without someone screaming
Play music and write for however long I want

I have a new home
A small, humble but peaceful apartment
I live on the third floor and have a small balcony
I was fortunate enough to find some palms and azaleas at Sam's
They were dying
When I bought them on clearance
I gave them love and attention
Mingled with fresh air, sunlight and rain...
They are radiant and fill me with grace

There is a small lake below me
Just a few yards from my building
I can see it from my living room
I can greet it from my balcony
And the many birds and wild ducks that swim there daily

Some nights when I am so alone
When my children don't come home
I sit there in the dark
With only a candle and the stars
To illuminate my heart

One night not too long ago
After an especially tough emotional week
I called forth an eagle
I needed a friend with wide vision
One who was objective yet, thoughtful
One who would help me break free

Oh, this letting go is so hard yet necessary
Don't ask me why
If it were up to me
I'd have found a way to keep my children little
I'd have found a way to heal my husband of all his hate
I would have had the power to keep him from putting my dogs and cat to sleep
I would have been there when he gave my feathered friends away
I would have stayed in my woods

But, life is about change
And mine was way over do
Now I must learn to trust life anew
I must fly with the eagle for a spell
And let the wind lift me
No illusions
No attachments...just trust

2009-09-16T23:30:00.000-04:00

2009-09-16T22:57:00.000-04:00

2009-09-12T19:56:00.002-04:00

Broken Promises, Illusions and Dreams, by Vivian Hadding

So here we are again
Watching and waiting
Playing this game

But you've snubbed me repeatedly
Its no longer the same
Its a rip in my heart
One I can't mend

I remember your promise
Eyes burning bright
Whispers of hope
In my heart
Late at night
And the songs on the radio
Chorus of faith
In a dream long held steady
In a spiritual embrace

As I look at you now
I no longer believe
Was I foolish or something
Were we just a dream
But I saw all the signals
And I read all the signs
And your eyes how the screamed
Everything be alright

I wanted to hold you
I thought someday we would
But, you changed my illusion
Tore apart my belief

Now your spell has been broken
I'm no longer a slave
To your nonsense and faith
In love seen and unseen
To a promise unspoken
To a foolish one's dream
To a Dragon King's whispers
To an angel without wings

2009-09-12T08:14:00.001-04:00

Aguila part one, By Vivian Hadding, from Songs for the Dragon King

And he began to fade
Or rather her memory of him
For in the Moon's shadow the trees had begun to sing
Their voices blended with her dreams
Their sweet breath soothed her troubled soul
Echoes, tigers roaring pulled at the edges of her dreams
And their cries lifted her spirit

She realized they were a part of her now
They had always been
Waiting and watching for her sign
A tenderness began to settle over her being
Melting her fears and her sorrows
Setting her free

Night drifted
A swift breeze teased her
She woke wondering
At the blanket of fragrant needles
Spread across her legs
For the trees had covered her with their branches,
Had patched her soul while she slept
She felt a stillness like no other
Her heart swelled with gratitude and love

Standing, she took a silver token from her necklace
A tiny bird in a battered cage
She walked to the roots of the youngest tree
Kissed its trunk and slipped a ribbon from her hair
She turned the latch
Opened the door of the cage
Reached as high as she could
Whispered a prayer and tied the token to its branch

She walked to the river's edge slowly
Wondering if it was wise
She was quite thirsty
She had been running till she collapsed last night
She drank and wash her face
She averted her eyes
Lest she see the Dragon's face
She dared not look into his eyes
For they had turned cold
They seemed to lack the love
They had once held for her
And she knew deep inside
She had to force her heart to let him go

But She needn't have worried
For the Dragon King had not stirred
He slept in the depths of his watery kingdom
During the night the ancient trees had moved closer to the river
They had positioned themselves as a shield for their sister
They had spread their branches
So as to block the sun from the Dragon King's eyes
And he was not aware of Shulynn
Her heart she now kept from him
And she danced once again for her family of trees
Not him
And hearing a melody of steps she turned
And the tigers came forth and asked her
"Were you the Dragon King's mistress?"
"Only in spirit." she replied
For in truth he had never touched her
Except with his heart.

2009-09-08T23:23:00.000-04:00

Shulynn's Tears, from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

She ran not knowing where she was going
All she knew was that she had to escape
There was so much pain
So much loss
He could not save her
No one could
She was lost and so alone

And the Dragon King had forsaken her
For he had taken back his love
His dream of hope and comfort
From her soul

And now there was no solace
No protection from the Evil Emperor
Nor his men
There was no hope
And she felt she could never
Ever love again

For the Dragon King unwittingly
Had stolen her heart,
Her breath,
Her soul

She stopped a little ways from the river
Remembering his words
"Do not be afraid"
Like ghosts in the wind
But she no longer believed him
She could no longer see
And knew not what to tell him
So she thought it best to stay away
Lest the indifference in his eyes
Break her heart
More than it already had

She hid behind the pine trees
Tall and twisted with time
She did not want him to see her
Crying, struggling to be free
With so little dignity

They, the trees dipped towards her
Shielding her heart farther
They whispered words of love
And brotherhood and belonging
She breathed them in deeply
Seeking their strength and tenderness
Seeking their love

Her heart began to beat slower,
Steadier
She wished she could be one of them
These brothers of light
Wished she could melt her being with theirs

And she called forth the Eagle
And she begged him to fold her in his wings
And boldly whisk her away
And she called out to the tiger as well
Knowing that he too was her brother
Hoping that wrapped in their arms
The memory of the Dragon King might someday
Fade away

2009-08-26T13:51:00.000-04:00

Rebellion, by Vivian Hadding, from Songs for the Dragon King

I have been exiled because I dared to follow my dreams
I have been snubbed because I tried to follow my heart
I have gone against the so called norm
I've prayed to see the other side of love, the side that is pure

Soul is my foundation, not the status quo
Light is my guide, not others opinions of my direction
I have willingly branded both my body and my heart
Etched in ink and blood my soul's conviction

You mock me and try to stop me
You think I'm blind to all your self righteous whispers
Your snickers, sneers and fright
You envy me my audacity to follow my heart

But, I am divine light
Spirit pure and free
Right or wrong
I am free to fail or fly

It takes great strength and courage to do as we believe
To go against our meek, accepted conduct
To swim against the tidal wave of social masses

We stand alone true to our vision and our souls
We fight for what we feel in the core of our hearts to be real
We pay a most demanding price
Solitude and loneliness are the echo's of our lives

2009-08-24T23:45:00.000-04:00

2009-08-19T00:46:00.000-04:00

2009-08-16T10:21:00.002-04:00

Feels Like I'm Coming Alive from Songs For The Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

Feels like I'm coming alive now
Waking up from your disaster

Holding on to all that's good inside
Letting the light shine on

Sweeping away the pain
Letting the sea wash it all away

Hear me angels, hear me whales...
I'm coming home to myself again

Been gone too long and missed my mark
Let your lies cloud my heart

But, I'm coming alive now
Waking up from your disaster

And I'm dancing with the dolphins
And I'm playing to the trees

And my soul is wide open
To the blessings held within

No more sadness, no more tears
You can't touch me now, you can't reach me here

Cause God and all his creatures
Steer me clear

From all your secrets, from all your spite
From all your anger and your destructive plight

And I'm coming alive now
And it feels so right

Cause I'm free this time
And I'm serfing the light

Yes I'm free at last
From your fears and your past

And I'm coming home again
To the joy in my heart

2009-07-24T09:12:00.003-04:00

A Small Thought, by Vivian Hadding

It would be simple
Were we all trees
We'd never speak
And misinterpret our thoughts

The wind would pass through us
Releasing our hearts
Deep echos would ring
Voices clear and profound

Faith would feed us
Truth and light
And a stillness would settle
And quiet our night

Rain would wash
The stain and the blood
Salt from our tears
Agony's past

We could dance freely
Waves to and fro
Dipping and rising
We might even touch

No guilt and no shame
Nor anger nor blame
If we'd be trees be so simple
Were we lovers and friends

2009-07-21T22:24:00.002-04:00

I just Can't Trust, from Songs for the Dragon King by Vivian Hadding

There's some feelings inside
And they want to come out
But they won't right now
I can't let them out

And this heart of mine
Is all torn inside
But I smile just the same
And tell you its alright

I don't understand
All the games folks play
And it seems to me
We're all living a lie

We all run away
Cause we're so afraid
And we hurt each other
With the words we don't say

There's some feelings inside
And they want to come out
But they won't right now
I can't let them out

And this heart of mine
Is all torn inside
But I smile just the same
And tell you its alright

Is it so hard sometimes
To take a chance on love
To be open to each other
To be true to your heart

I see it at home, I see it at work
Great people, noble persons
Hide their hearts from each other
Hide their souls from love

There's some feelings inside
And they want to come out
But they won't right now
I can't let them out

And this heart of mine
Is all torn inside
But I smile just the same
And tell you its alright

And I wonder if I'm crazy
And I wanted to believe
Then you left me at home
To face this alone

And I know it made me stronger
And I know it made me tough
And I know you didn't mean it
But I just can't trust

There's some feelings inside
And they want to come out
But they won't right now
I can't let them out

And this heart of mine
Is all torn inside
But I smile just the same
And tell you its alright

2009-07-08T11:08:00.001-04:00

Soul to Soul...from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

You
Are my heart
You
Are my soul

You
Are everything
I Can't control

So many
Truths
You've
Brought to light

There is a space
So
Deep inside

A place
That pulls
Beyond
The fright

That you shall not
Return
This time

But
Still
I feel
No matter what

Nor, distance still
Shall ever
Part

The love
I feel
The bond
We've shared

The strength
Between us
Is still there

My love
My love
Farewell
For now

Till, you return
I'll wait
Somehow

2009-07-08T11:03:00.001-04:00

Left Behind...from Songs to the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

Planning
Dreaming
Slipping into the night
And you're gone

Trying to remember
Your words
Your smile
And the wisdom you've taught

Getting stronger
Getting Bolder
Taking risks
I'd never thought

You'd be proud
If only you could
See me now
Oh shimmering one

Grew some wings
Spread them wide
From the highest tree
Have learned to fly

Seems so long
You've been gone
And I wonder
Where you are tonight

A new room
A new start
Within these walls
No one can stop

The words
The songs
The art that pours
From my heart

I light a candle
Every night
I say a prayer
For you and I

For all the Love
For all the Light
For the true friend
You've left behind

Left behind
Left behind
For the pure love
You've left behind

2009-06-20T22:42:00.000-04:00

My Green River Dragon...From Songs for the Dragon King...Part One, by Vivian Hadding

Once upon a time there was a child
Who endured all sorts of pain
Most nights she held all her tears within
But, sometimes, in the middle of the night
Her silent, broken sobs
Would be carried by the wind
And she'd awaken fearful
With heavy heart
And wondered why her chest ached
With emptiness and longing

She was the Moon's lost daughter
Touched by music and magic
Who felt love within all things
And the trees befriended her
And the birds they sang to her
But, all the children in the village
Throwing stones they chased her
Because she was not like them
But, the trees called out to her
Deep jade shadows they beckoned her...
Come Luna's Daughter, come!

She learned to run
Swifter than the village children
Far into the forest she'd wander
With the trees urging her onward
To places others too fearful to follow
By the river she would drop
And drink a little water
Sometimes looking through the ripples
She thought
She could spy a sleeping dragon
And she would dance for him
And she would tell him everything

At home the evil emperor waited
Angry and bitter
And she'd try to please him
For all she ever wanted
Was to be loved
Yet, he would frighten her
With his hurtful words and cold, cold ways
Some days he would beat her
Other times he belittled her
And, there was never, ever
Any love nor safety at home
For he had chased her mother away
So the child tried to be strong, tried to be brave
And she was, most days

In the deep of the night
A warm breeze began to stir
The child began to dream
Of a Dragon King
Who would watch over her
Guide and protect her
But, most of all he would be her friend
He would teach her many things
Especially how to trust and love again
And every night before she went to bed
She would thank the stars
And the wind and the trees for
The green river dragon
King of all the waters

2009-06-20T21:36:00.000-04:00

2009-06-15T23:20:00.000-04:00

Site I need to remember...
http://www.flscbwiblog.blogspot.com/

2009-06-07T16:58:00.002-04:00

Sitting, Waiting… from Songs to The Dragon King, Vivian Hadding

Sitting,
Waiting
Been some time
Since you’ve come over
And we’ve talked

Its so rare
And when it happens
You set my soul on fire
You give me faith
And strength and courage

You light my world with hope
Of what I might accomplish
And its so hard
To see myself without you

In truth
We’ve never been together
In truth
We’ve never even skated
Ohhhh,
But, its you
Not me the savior

One day
I’d like to ask you
To join me
For a walk
A cup of coffee
Maybe, I’ll play a song or two
Maybe, I’ll even dance for you

Its so hard
This trying to be your friend
So hard to understand
Unspoken words
A look
A nod
A smile you cast my way

And now and then
My bright river Dragon
You seem to push me out
Before you pull me in

Your eyes
So deep, so fierce
They cut through my skin
But, when you want
Such peace and gentleness
Within
Like pools of jade green water
They sparkle and wash the stain of sin

2009-06-07T16:00:00.004-04:00

Waves Washing Over Me… from Songs to The Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

Waves washing over me,
Sometimes crashing
Sometimes healing
The darkest parts of me
Go on screaming

But, its all wrong
I'm not that strong
You only see a part of me

Am I drowning
Feels like I’m dying
Its just a game
Life’s little win
And, you,
You’re the better part
Of my dreams

Illusions
Delusions
Is that all you’ve been
Setting me free now
From my deepest fantasy

Cold winds blowing
Outside it begins to howl
There’s a storm a coming
I can see it now
And I’m going to be brave this time
And, I’m trying not to cry

But, its all wrong
I'm not that strong
You only see a part of me

Hurricane sweeping me away
Nails tearing at the walls
Blood, confusion
Its getting so dark
I can not make it stop

It will shatter my whole heart
And the windows will be broken
The doors all blown apart
And when the sun rises
Shall we find a brand new start

Its all wrong
I'm not that strong
You only see a part of me

I know deep down inside
I called the waves
I called the wind
I asked my soul
To give me wings

I always thought
You’d be there waiting
But, life's a trick
And so's belief
When all is said and done
There's no such thing

But love
It keeps on giving
Even when we know
We haven't got a shot
And Faith
Won't let us stop believing

Ohhh...
But, its so wrong
I'm not that strong

2009-06-06T23:23:00.003-04:00

Imaginary Friend...Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

Found three feathers this week
One outside my door step
Two on the small stretch of walk
From the parking lot to my job
Took it as a sign
That you were still into me
What a damn fool I am
To believe

Ahhh, I just want to believe
What else is there to live for
You tell me
My once upon time friend

I remember
When you first saw me
I was just
A lonely broken dream
Sitting on a cold bench
Waiting for the next song
And all the ice to melt
You offered me your hand

Ahhh, I just wanted to believe
What else was there to live for
In my heart
In my heart....Ohhhhh, but I wanted to believe

Been two years
Since your soul awakened me
Picked up so many feathers
And heart shaped rocks
And sea shells
They all sit on my window sill
Like stolen kisses
In dreams we've yet to fill

Ahhh, I just want to believe
What else is there to live for
You tell me
My soul, my heart, my friend

But, lately
You're offended
By others taking interest
Yet, you just walk away
Not saying how you're feeling
Expecting me to sit there
Like I can read your mind
Won't even look me in the eye

Ahhh, I just wanted to believe
What else was there to live for
in my heart
In my heart....Ohhhhh, but I wanted to believe

What's the matter now
No one left to rescue
Have I grown too strong
Its just a front
I'm still the same lonely one
Sitting on that cold bench
Waiting for your smile
Waiting for a chance

Ahhh, I just want to believe
What else is there to live for
You tell me
You, my imaginary friend

2009-06-05T21:39:00.002-04:00

A few sites I want to revist...

http://openlibrary.org/

http://www.darkhorse.com/

http://www.aspencomics.com/

2009-06-02T23:18:00.002-04:00