Friday, April 03, 2009

Journal entry April 3rd-2009

My life is in a state of emotional, physical and mental chaos, as is always the case when great transformational changes are taking place. For years I've let my dreams slip into the background, while I raised and homeschooled my children, made sure I was the perfect, unquestioning, little wife and took complete care of our house hold. I was miserable in my heart, soul sick, because I seldom had time for my music, writing or art. Yes, I did it, but only in stolen moments... moments I had to fight tooth and nail with my husband for, in order to justify my need to create. Moments that took great emotional toll most days. I learned to do art in secret, on the go while waiting for my children to skate. Heck, I wrote The Song of Olinic last year freezing on a bench while watching my daughter skate. I completed The Children of the Flame the same way. Both are graphic novels, the later a huge four book saga. I'm in the process of doing the graphics...on the run at the rink, before or after work on a bench, or in the back of my pickup truck. Its going to be fun when I pull out the pen and inks and watercolors.

My life has fallen apart along with my relationships. And, yet, along with the mess and devastation there seems to be a new me emerging out of this chaos. It hurts so bad and I seldom understand the intensity of my emotions...emotions so long kept silent for the good of the many. I want to scream...heck I have screamed into my pillow at night, all night long... soaking my pillow in tears I dare not shed during the day. I live a double life and its driving me insane. This is my journey, its so dammed lonely and scary and the only one I can truly count on is me and my efforts. There are no guarantees, but I am the hero and I'm searching for my promise of bliss. Joseph Campbell would be proud.

I'm an artist! There, I've said that nasty little word. Nasty, you say? Yes, because it seems to bring more resentment and absolutely no respect from any of the people I love best. So, what to do? Well, I suppose somewhere down the line I began to rebel. I began to awaken and more, I began to slowly stand up for what my soul required. You can just imagine what repercussions this boldness has brought about. I mean my spouse totally controls my life. I'm told when to sleep, when to awake, when I can speak...never till just a few weeks ago. I wasn't allowed to work, go to the beach, visit my sisters on my own....God, why do men have such a need to control? Oh, yeah, I got a side job. He just found out a few days ago and he's pissed to put it mildly. God, I hate this having to always be afraid. We'll most likely break up, possibly even tonight, because I'll have to work late. You know how it is when you work in a store and you have to close. And, he can't stand it when I'm not home, says I'm not here to take care of his needs. I understand and I feel guilty, but I have this irrational, overwhelming need to break free. Its causing me to be such a rebel lately.

We broke up a few weeks ago. I had had enough and without much savings or a job I was completely honest with him. I know, what in God's name was I thinking? Anyway, I mustered up what little faith, courage and self esteem I had left after 18 years of tyranny. I told him I no longer loved him. Wow, you can imaging how well that went! He left us with nothing. He took all the money we had, threatened to quite his job so he wouldn't have to pay child support, said he'd leave us homeless without a house or a car and left without even saying goodbye to our children. I quickly realized I didn't have a chance in hell to take care of the children without his help, help he would only provide if I learned to love him again and took him back.

OK, so here we are. We talked a bit and he angrily agreed to let me work a few hours a week and even said I could go to the beach. Well, I went to work last Saturday and when I came home all hell broke loose. My daughter and I went to the beach on Wednesday and when we came home all hell broke loose. Each time he's threatened to walk out, each time I've stood my ground, but sooner or later...

In the mean time "I'm an Artist" and that's all I can focus on, that and my children. Its all I really have. Its all I can depend on to keep my heart strong and my soul alive. I know, I know, in this crazy economy I should just bend over and kiss his behind, but I can't anymore. Somewhere in the last few months a rebel was born and amazingly, in the last two weeks while working in a store a bit of self-esteem has flowed into my veins. I can't go back to the way things used to be. I have to move forward sink or swim. Here's to the Heroes Journey. Wish me luck and if you pray please say one, or light a candel for me.

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