Sometimes, by Vivian Hadding

Sometimes you just feel lost. There's no knowing what to do next, what will make things right again. Its as if my whole world has turned upside down...as if I'm caught inside a huge wave and I can't tell which side is up, let alone if or when the sea will wash me out again. Will I survive? Will we be safe? Yes, I have a strong heart, but God it hurts so much. And the children...they too have had to bare more than their weight. Still we go on.

I'm trying to hold on to some semblance if normality. I go about my life glowing, smiling, not letting others see. I hide the fears, the pain within me. I play my guitar till my fingers rip. Sometimes its the only thing that numbs the ache. I jog trying to get away, but no matter how fast I run I only get so far. Still, it helps, releasing some of the anxiety within me...some of the frustrations...the shattered dreams and frozen memories.

I do my Reiki healing. Say my prayers. Light my candles, meditate...try to illuminate my heart. Mentally I can grasp many things, but my heart lingers behind. I am tormented at times beyond what I think I am capable of withstanding...lack of spiritual strength I guess...lack of maturity or wisdom. As a Mom sometimes I think I fail my teens miserably...What they need...what they want...what they expect. As a human too perhaps...its hard to tell. I need so badly to be perfect and I feel so far most days at best...