Friday, September 18, 2009

Letting Go...Honoring Change...Respecting Life's Lessons

So many changes of many opportunities abound as well
But, there is an inherited sadness that dwells deep in my heart
A sadness born of many goodbyes

Goodbye to children suddenly too old to Mother in the ancient ways
Children independent and wise
Children who listen to their own voice
Not necessarily yours
But, no matter
We raised them that way,
To fail or fly
To honor their own visions
All we can do is sit back silently, watch and pray

Goodbye to my marriage
Nineteen years of numbered sweetness mingled with much pain
A man who I allowed to seep into my soul
One I thought might always be my friend
A knight in shinning armor not
Misplaced trust
But that's what you get
For giving yourself fully to another

People are strange that way
In that they change
Children, husbands, friends
Perhaps that's why long ago I only believed in the mountains
In the sea, the stars, the lakes
Trees where my original family after leaving the island of my birth
The ocean will always be my mother

Ok, so now you know I'm insane
Or else my being here is a huge mistake
Not entirely sure which its true yet
Perhaps a bit of both
But where was I...
Yes, letting go
Of my woods, my home, my animals and closest friends
Closest friends being my woods and animals
There is still such a great void in my heart
A void that I can't let loose for fear of drowning
God, Some times I feel so foolish

But, on to blessing and all that remains
I focus on my art,
My stories, my feeble attempts at music and dance
New opportunities that always fill the empty places in your life
I get up without fear of another's anger
I read without someone screaming
Play music and write for however long I want

I have a new home
A small, humble but peaceful apartment
I live on the third floor and have a small balcony
I was fortunate enough to find some palms and azaleas at Sam's
They were dying
When I bought them on clearance
I gave them love and attention
Mingled with fresh air, sunlight and rain...
They are radiant and fill me with grace

There is a small lake below me
Just a few yards from my building
I can see it from my living room
I can greet it from my balcony
And the many birds and wild ducks that swim there daily

Some nights when I am so alone
When my children don't come home
I sit there in the dark
With only a candle and the stars
To illuminate my heart

One night not too long ago
After an especially tough emotional week
I called forth an eagle
I needed a friend with wide vision
One who was objective yet, thoughtful
One who would help me break free

Oh, this letting go is so hard yet necessary
Don't ask me why
If it were up to me
I'd have found a way to keep my children little
I'd have found a way to heal my husband of all his hate
I would have had the power to keep him from putting my dogs and cat to sleep
I would have been there when he gave my feathered friends away
I would have stayed in my woods

But, life is about change
And mine was way over do
Now I must learn to trust life anew
I must fly with the eagle for a spell
And let the wind lift me
No illusions
No attachments...just trust


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