Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Letters for the Dragon King…Full Moon Waning 28th Day..by Vivian Hadding from Songs for the Dragon King

I begin to see more clearly why you left. You stated particular reasons, but sometimes I feel you were exasperated with me. I think you have always been more enlightened than the rest and therefore more able to rise above the pettiness, or perhaps you just mask your emotions better . But me, I’m a most difficult student, emotional, undisciplined, at times reckless and always soul driven. I feel I am so far from perfection and I want so badly to be perfect. It’s an illusion I know, this crazy drive of mine, this wanting to accomplish the seemingly impossible. It has always been. It has always propelled me past what I expected. It has helped me to survive and more, to thrive where it mattered most… in my soul.

No, I suspect you left not just for the reasons you accepted, for some of those reasons were perhaps born of an oversensitive heart. Perhaps it had more to do with the inner conflicts that plagued us. The ones you so obviously read in my eyes. The constant tug of war between my open heart and the raging fears in my mind. Even now it is difficult at times. There are hours sometimes even days when I feel strong, certain, confident and others where I struggle to maintain my faith…struggle to view all existence with only spiritual eyes. Perhaps this is my eternal quest, perhaps it belongs to all of us.

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