Sometimes, by Vivian Hadding

Sometimes you just feel lost. There's no knowing what to do next, what will make things right again. Its as if my whole world has turned upside down...as if I'm caught inside a huge wave and I can't tell which side is up, let alone if or when the sea will wash me out again. Will I survive? Will we be safe? Yes, I have a strong heart, but God it hurts so much. And the children...they too have had to bare more than their weight. Still we go on.

I'm trying to hold on to some semblance if normality. I go about my life glowing, smiling, not letting others see. I hide the fears, the pain within me. I play my guitar till my fingers rip. Sometimes its the only thing that numbs the ache. I jog trying to get away, but no matter how fast I run I only get so far. Still, it helps, releasing some of the anxiety within me...some of the frustrations...the shattered dreams and frozen memories.

I do my Reiki healing. Say my prayers. Light my candles, meditate...try to illuminate my heart. Mentally I can grasp many things, but my heart lingers behind. I am tormented at times beyond what I think I am capable of withstanding...lack of spiritual strength I guess...lack of maturity or wisdom. As a Mom sometimes I think I fail my teens miserably...What they need...what they want...what they expect. As a human too perhaps...its hard to tell. I need so badly to be perfect and I feel so far most days at best...

Letters to the Dragon King... 63rd Day. from Songs for the Dragon King By Vivian Hadding

I miss you. You creep into my thoughts, my dreams, my memories like the warm salty sea expanding and reaching into the very depths of me. It feels as if I've lost my best friend and with him, my heart and parts of my soul. Its stupid I know, but it happens daily all the same.

I listen to the wind for word of you, watch the sky for a sign...the ocean for a bottle. I don't want to give up but you leave me bitter choice. I am a fool, a dreamer, a believer, a child at heart that has little place in this world of harsh sceptics.

I came across a new village today. I spied on some warriors from afar. Some seemed nice and I thought perhaps I might talk to a few of them, get to know them better... maybe become friends. Its a scary thought, letting others in too close , but you never know what you might learn from each other if you don't try. I just want a few good friends...some brothers I can talk to without falling in love. Some brothers to help push you out of my heart...out of my soul, out of my mind. I'm not sure if I will talk to them, we will see. Perhaps a martial school would be best. A place to sharpen and grow my skills as a spiritual warrior...perhaps we'll just have to wait and see.

A concept sketch for one of the tree spirits from Songs for the Dragon King. Sketched in Painter using a felt tip pen....first stage, done late last night.