Been a long day today, but a good one. Got off work, picked up my daughter then dropped her back off, swam for an hour, drove home (another hour), fed everyone and came across this great link. Still have some laundry to do before bed...yeah I'm sleepy. I hope to get some sketching in tomorrow after work...maybe early in the morning if I'm lucky. I'm excited, want to get a few more pages done and finish this morning's rough...Oh and I need to restring my guitar. Been way too long since I played.

http://comictool.blogspot.com/2009/02/this-week-cartoonists-on-their-brushes.html

Rough stage character poset for today's scene, before I have to head off to work.

Crying...Feeling Like I'm Dying, by Vivian Hadding...The Evil Emperor's Song

Wake up screaming in the middle of the night
Every time you reach out to touch me
Some words cannot be taken back
Some hurts can not be undone
I try to hide the pain behind a pretty dress
Hoping the colors, the flowers make me smile
But its all on the outside any more
The real me has long been vacant
You'd know this
If you ever took the time to know me
Visions of two weeks ago keep trying to surface
And I've tried so hard to push them back
Your anger, your spite
How could you be so cold
How can you come after me like this
Breaking down the door
Pushing me around
Fist in my face...your breath just a hair width away
I cry, I feel I've died and I can not stop now
How can anything hurt so bad inside
I've put up with so much from you
Years...almost two decades of your control
Oh, and I've tried so hard to be everything you need
I've tried so hard to believe
But, its never enough for you
I'm nothing you tell me
Worst, I'm the biggest whore
But, its you who have betrayed us
You who project all your hate towards us
How can anyone stand up to that
And I've loved you so deeply in the past
But, now all seems so bleak...so black
I'm lost and so alone
And there's no one to trust
And there's no one to hold me
And tell me everything will be alright
It hurts, it hurts so very much
Broken, that's what I am
Like Humpty Dumpty
And I wonder
Will I ever be whole again
Some times lately I wake up
And I don't know where I am
Yesterday, when I looked at my watch
My mind went blank
I walked for half an hour trying to understand
And some days I wake up crying
Feeling like I'm dying
And you've pushed me around so many times before
And, you've pinned me to the floor
And there's no leaving you
Cause you'll chase me all the way to hell
I thought you were my knight in shiny armor
Once I even thought you were my friend
But you're the Black Knight
And I'm locked away in your lonely tower
And there's no one can save me
But me, myself
And I wonder
If I'll ever grow some wings
And when I do will they sustain me

I wish...by Vivian Hadding...Dreams of the Dragon King

Sometimes I wish I were a tree
A tall swaying pine
Looking down at the world with joy and oneness
Or, perhaps I could be a willow
Tender, comforting, leaves and branches
Touching gently in a never ending dance
Yes, I wish I were a tree
They speak no words
Yet, their wisdom is always heard,
Their love always felt
Love and friendship would be so simple as a tree
Unconditional, pure and free...like a child
I'd give my affection and love playfully,
Without fear of pain, or rejection
I wish I were a tree
Then you could come and sit by me
You could lay your head against me
And, sometimes
When I felt brave enough
I'd let my branches
Dip gently across your glorious face
I'd whisper how very much you mean to me
How I will wait an eternity for you...for me

I have this thing about music and the stirring of my soul...themes and songs that replay in my mind as I continue to grow. There are particular bands whose lyrics catch in my heart. Atlter Bridge is one of those bands. I find myself absorbing their words like soul liberating mantras, at times screaming for release, at other times affirming my need to hang on just a little longer. Brand New Start from their Blackbird CD and One Day Remains from their One Day Remains CD come to mind daily. Like some sort of solitary train winding through the coridors of my veins, it pushes, roars and puffs uphill in search of that one place where true Self dwells .
Well, enough rambling...back to my art and Shulinn's tale. If I can continue to do a page a day I should be near finish in four months.

Progress on illo thus far, mostly fooling around and relearning Painter X after too long away from digital sketching and painting. Spent about twenty minutes.

I flow down a river
Towards a never ending sea

A leaf deep and russet
With purpose do I drift

Open and golden
The sun smiles upon on me

My spirit has awaken
And demands that I am free

No longer am I frighten
Of all that must be

And I turn not away this time
But, follow the sound of the sea

Vivian Hadding

Had about an hour to fool around on my Wacom today, in between all the activities of the day. Its been a long while since I worked digital...Boy I've missed it. Here's a quick concept sketch for one of my Song of Olinic pages. Hopefully I'll get to finish later this week. Time to get back to the laundry and perhaps a movie this evening... Star Trek looks good.

Shulinn's Song, by Vivian Hadding

You play at affection
Yet, you don't say it
You make me wonder if I'm not going insane

You want to know how I feel
Well, I'll tell you
I want to scream
I want to run without stopping
Till, I can't feel my heart
I want to believe, but I'm uncertain

You throw out bits of hope
Like rain drops in the desert
I try to quench my thirst with imaginary water

You want to know how I feel
Well, I'll tell you
I want to tattoo
Every inch of my body
Till, the pain of the needle
Numbs the fear in my head

You say I should trust
Yet, I don't really know you
Why is it you're at ease with everyone except me

You want to know how I feel
Well, I'll tell you
I feel like a child
Small and helpless
Alone and confused in a world full of strangers

You, green river Dragon
Hold my heart unknowing
I feel lost, without you I stumble in the dark

You want to know how I feel
Well, I'll tell you
Every night when you turn
To your underwater cavern
I wonder what it is you truly think of me

You toss my love
Back and forth
Like a string tied to the end of your finger

You want to know how I feel
Well, I'll tell you
I feel broken and empty
Of both hope and promise
And I can't help wondering
How many are laughing, while my soul is crumbling

I keep swaying between highs and lows, where I'll trust the Universe and myself to lead me to freedom, or where I question my right to seek it. I've been taking some bold steps of late..steps like daring to believe I can and going so far as even taking small bites of freedom. I got a job a month and a half ago and have worked just to prove to myself that I can. Its been hell at home...my spouse is sort of a cavemen, women should be seen and not heard let alone work outside the home. God knows what ideas others might stir in my soul...God knows what revelations I may come up with on my own.

I went to the beach the other day before work. It was exhilarating. I experienced feelings I have not felt since I was ten. That was the age when I felt whole for the first time in my life. It was an age when I began to read and write for my soul, not just school. I explored and felt at one with nature, poetry, music, art and nothing else seemed as important, for I felt sheltered in the promise of life. It was a time when I had discovered I had my own identity. Its sad that I allowed it to be striped from me...but abuse does that doesn't it. Still, that short time in my youth was the only time when I trusted myself and truly enjoyed being free. At the beach last Saturday I was transported back to that time. It was as if I was that carefree ten year old girl again, when harsh words and actions could not disturb my peace, nor faith in the potential of my future. Its been a long time since I've had that sort of trust in me and my right to follow my dreams.

So much in life depends upon our beliefs and the power we allow others to have over us. I was raised to always follow, never to question those in power, to do as I was told with a smile on my face lest the smile be knocked off. Like so many other little girls we were to be seen and not heard. Is it any wonder I married a man with the same beliefs as my father? They say we do though, marry our fathers only worse. After all, what intelligent thing could we ever have to say, what could we ever contribute that the world would deemed of value?

Perhaps that's why I turned to journaling and books, to sketching and hiking deep in the woods or dancing alone by moon light. And, now when I've just about finished raising my children, when the pain of staying in a highly dysfunctional and oppressive relationship out weighs the fear of leaving and the light of possibilities outside my door...

I find myself feeling as if my very desire to be free is a fall from grace. As if I'm this dirty, ungrateful child that should not question, but rather be grateful for whatever bit of love she has been given. God, its so pathetic. I feel so powerless and pathetic at times and yet that quiet, daring ten year old in me keeps struggling to be free. I want to follow her.

I've seen life open a few doors where there appeared to be non recently, in fact the more I believe in my right to my dreams the more opportunities seem to spring up. But, its all so alien too, and that's what makes it kind of frightening, that and the fact that the way is not marked clearly. There are so many twists and turns and setbacks and I wonder if I am wise enough, strong enough, intuitive enough to chose the path of grace and beauty, the path of light and the me I was born to be.

Dare I trust life? Dare I trust me? I've taken steps forward into an unknown future at a time when there is so much darkness in the world and such small faith. Hope is all I can hang onto for now, hope that I pray will lead to more faith and the miracles that spring in the light of freedom.