Quote of the Day
"If you must begin then go all the way, because if you begin and quit, the unfinished business you have left behind begins to haunt you all the time."
– Chögyam Trungpa

When all else fails we must return to our center, perhaps that's where we're meant to dwell all along. Yes, I know it is but, life is full of distractions, promises of a better day. All days begin and end within. There are no promises outside yourself worth heeding; no love worth fighting for, for it is all a myth we create to hold ourselves to a higher cause...a more noble existence.

It seems to me that the most noble dream is the one that liberates you. The one that allows you to be yourself, to create works of beauty, to inspire yourself and the world to grow into your best potential. All the rest are games fear plays to distract you with false promises of hope. Whether that hope be in the promise of love, money, or security, there is really no such lasting thing save the fire and grace we find within.

Broken, but not beaten,
Vivian Hadding

Quote of the Day
"Had there been no difficulties and no thorns in the way, then man would have been in his primitive state and no progress made in civilization and mental culture."
– Anandibai Joshee

Working so many hours now, hardly have time to sketch. But, its all good, its helping me to grow my wings, to gather some self esteem, to catch a glimpse of what it means to be free. I live with my heart in my throat most nights when I come home...waiting for the bomb to explode. Most nights it does, but I just say a prayer and know the Universe is watching over me.
Its tough, it hurts and most days I wonder just how strong I am inside. Growth is never easy, but the alternative, to just accept intolerable anguish...No, Ive made up my mind. I'm standing my ground. They say that when the fear and pain of staying is greater than the fear and pain of leaving then you are ready. I have arrived and we shall see what I am made of.

Quote of the Day
"There are two ways of exerting one's strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up."
– Booker T. Washington

Here's a blog that's heaven sent me a moment ago. I've been going through such emotional chaos of late...such is the way of self empowerment, such is the fight for freedom that you never felt you deserved. Still, fighting the great fight and struggling to finish the illustrations for my Song of Olinic graphic novel, amidst my retail job hours, homeschooling my daughter, being a mom and feeling like such a slave to my fears...
God, freedom is so hard, but so is anything worth keeping. I came across Craig Thompson's blog today and Thank You God...I needed a burst of light. I read his graphic novel a few years back and it hit home in so many places. Its novels like his and Bryan Talbot's The Tale of One Bad Rat that have helped in part to heal some of my life. Anyway, I have to go, but before I do here's one of Mr. Thomson's blog. Check it out and thanks again Universe for your guiding light and the star of hope in the sky.
http://blog.dootdootgarden.com/

Quote of the Da
"When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid."
– Audre Lord

Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

I want you
I need you
I've seen you dwelling in my heart forever.

Oh, my Dragon King
I've called for you in dreams
I've called for you in the dark
You're a shimmering river
You've pierced my soul with your light

Surrounded by hate
Manipulated by fear
All these years I've been so lonesome, waiting

Oh, my Dragon King
I've called for you in dreams
I've called for you in the dark
You're a shimmering river
You've pierced my soul with your light

I see your eyes
I see your face
The light from your smile pulls me deeper in

Oh, my Dragon King
I've called for you in dreams
I've called for you in the dark
You're a shimmering river
You've pierced my soul with your light

I sing, I pray
I light a candle
Like a bird in a cage I wait till I'm set free

Oh, my Dragon King
I've called for you in dreams
I've called for you in the dark
You're a shimmering river
You've pierced my soul with your light

Serving through the day
Working half the night
Quietly, secretly, forging a single key

Oh, my Dragon King
I've called for you in dreams
I've called for you in the dark
You're a shimmering river
You've pierced my soul with your light

His words whip me
His anger wounds me
The Evil Emperor is ever watching me

Oh, my Dragon King
I've called for you in dreams
I've called for you in the dark
You're a shimmering river
You've pierced my soul with your light

Don't you know
Can't you see
Only my eyes reveal the depth of love I feel for you

Oh, my Dragon King
I've called for you in dreams
I've called for you in the dark
You're a shimmering river
You've pierced my soul with your light

I wonder
I test my key
Will my love ever be enough for thee

Oh, my Dragon King
I've called for you in dreams
I've called for you in the dark
You're a shimmering river
You've pierced my soul with your light

Don't give up
Don't walk away
The trembling you view is just my heart in your hands

Oh, my Dragon King
I've called for you in dreams
I've called for you in the dark
You're a shimmering river
You've pierced my soul with your light

to my imaginary love...

Time Alone With You, by Bad English

When everything is cloudy
And the sun won't shine for me
And it seems like nothing's goin' right
There's a place I want to be
Just laying there beside you
In the shelter of your room
I leave the world outside your door
Lose myself in you
When you're in my arms
I find all that I need
I could never live without
The heaven that you showed me
I've been waiting all my life
Just to look into your eyes
I live for the time alone with you
And when I climb
the stairs to find you
And we reach for the light
I thank God I've got
this time alone with you
Your kiss can captivate me
And your touch can set me free
I count the hours baby
Till you are next to me
And it's taken such a long time
To find someone that understands
When I reach out for love now
I reach out for your hand
When I feel your heart beat
It makes me come alive
I don't wanna live without
Something that is so right
I've been waiting all my life
Just to look into your eyes
I live for the time alone with you
Cause everytime I see your face
All my troubles fade away
I live for the time alone with you
And when I climb the stairs to find you
And we reach for the light
I thank God I've got this time alone with you
I've been waiting all my life
Just to look into your eyes
I live for the time alone with you
Cause everytime I see your face
All my troubles fade away
I live for the time alone with you
And when I climb the stairs to find you
And we reach for the light
I thank God I've got this time alone with you
Oh, this time alone with you

song of the hour...

I'm No Angel, by Gregg Allman

No I`m no angel
No I`m no stranger to the street
I`ve got my label
So I won`t crumble at your feet
And I know baby
So I`ve got scars upon my cheek
And I`m half crazy
Come on and love me baby


So you find me hard to handle
Well, I`m easier to hold
So you like my spurs that jingle
And I never leave you cold
So I might steal your diamonds
I`ll bring you back some gold
I`m no angel


No I`m no angel
No I`m no stranger to the dark
Let me rock your cradle
Let me start a fire with your spark
Oh come on baby
Come and let me show you my tattoo
Let me drive you crazy
Come on and love me baby

So you don`t give a darn about me
I never treat you bad
I won`t ever lift a hand to hurt you and I`ll always leave you glad
So I might steal your diamonds
I`ll bring you back some gold
I`m no angel.


No I`m no angel
No I`m no stranger to the dark
Let me rock your cradle
Let me start a fire in your heart
Oh come on baby
Come and let me show you my tattoo
Let me drive you crazy
Come on and love me baby

Well come on baby.

Drive me crazy.

Drive me crazy.

Come on baby.

Come on baby.

Oh come on baby.

Quote of the Day

"I searched through rebellion, drugs, diet, mysticism, religion, intellectualism, and much more, only to find that truth is basically simple and feels good, clear and right."
Armando "Chick" Corea

Journal entry April 3rd-2009

My life is in a state of emotional, physical and mental chaos, as is always the case when great transformational changes are taking place. For years I've let my dreams slip into the background, while I raised and homeschooled my children, made sure I was the perfect, unquestioning, little wife and took complete care of our house hold. I was miserable in my heart, soul sick, because I seldom had time for my music, writing or art. Yes, I did it, but only in stolen moments... moments I had to fight tooth and nail with my husband for, in order to justify my need to create. Moments that took great emotional toll most days. I learned to do art in secret, on the go while waiting for my children to skate. Heck, I wrote The Song of Olinic last year freezing on a bench while watching my daughter skate. I completed The Children of the Flame the same way. Both are graphic novels, the later a huge four book saga. I'm in the process of doing the graphics...on the run at the rink, before or after work on a bench, or in the back of my pickup truck. Its going to be fun when I pull out the pen and inks and watercolors.

My life has fallen apart along with my relationships. And, yet, along with the mess and devastation there seems to be a new me emerging out of this chaos. It hurts so bad and I seldom understand the intensity of my emotions...emotions so long kept silent for the good of the many. I want to scream...heck I have screamed into my pillow at night, all night long... soaking my pillow in tears I dare not shed during the day. I live a double life and its driving me insane. This is my journey, its so dammed lonely and scary and the only one I can truly count on is me and my efforts. There are no guarantees, but I am the hero and I'm searching for my promise of bliss. Joseph Campbell would be proud.

I'm an artist! There, I've said that nasty little word. Nasty, you say? Yes, because it seems to bring more resentment and absolutely no respect from any of the people I love best. So, what to do? Well, I suppose somewhere down the line I began to rebel. I began to awaken and more, I began to slowly stand up for what my soul required. You can just imagine what repercussions this boldness has brought about. I mean my spouse totally controls my life. I'm told when to sleep, when to awake, when I can speak...never till just a few weeks ago. I wasn't allowed to work, go to the beach, visit my sisters on my own....God, why do men have such a need to control? Oh, yeah, I got a side job. He just found out a few days ago and he's pissed to put it mildly. God, I hate this having to always be afraid. We'll most likely break up, possibly even tonight, because I'll have to work late. You know how it is when you work in a store and you have to close. And, he can't stand it when I'm not home, says I'm not here to take care of his needs. I understand and I feel guilty, but I have this irrational, overwhelming need to break free. Its causing me to be such a rebel lately.

We broke up a few weeks ago. I had had enough and without much savings or a job I was completely honest with him. I know, what in God's name was I thinking? Anyway, I mustered up what little faith, courage and self esteem I had left after 18 years of tyranny. I told him I no longer loved him. Wow, you can imaging how well that went! He left us with nothing. He took all the money we had, threatened to quite his job so he wouldn't have to pay child support, said he'd leave us homeless without a house or a car and left without even saying goodbye to our children. I quickly realized I didn't have a chance in hell to take care of the children without his help, help he would only provide if I learned to love him again and took him back.

OK, so here we are. We talked a bit and he angrily agreed to let me work a few hours a week and even said I could go to the beach. Well, I went to work last Saturday and when I came home all hell broke loose. My daughter and I went to the beach on Wednesday and when we came home all hell broke loose. Each time he's threatened to walk out, each time I've stood my ground, but sooner or later...

In the mean time "I'm an Artist" and that's all I can focus on, that and my children. Its all I really have. Its all I can depend on to keep my heart strong and my soul alive. I know, I know, in this crazy economy I should just bend over and kiss his behind, but I can't anymore. Somewhere in the last few months a rebel was born and amazingly, in the last two weeks while working in a store a bit of self-esteem has flowed into my veins. I can't go back to the way things used to be. I have to move forward sink or swim. Here's to the Heroes Journey. Wish me luck and if you pray please say one, or light a candel for me.

Life is Full of Promises, by Vivian Hadding

Used to be so easy to dream of you
But lately I feel you pull away from me
We circle each other silently
Like stray cats too cautious to take a chance on truth
We stare intently and then we walk away
Each to our own delusions

Life is full of promises
Can't you see its true
I believe in me, I believe in you

In my heart down by the sea we swim
We laugh, we hold on to each others dream
Oh fate, oh fate are we just tormented sleepers...
Memories of another time another place, hearts not yet awake
A world asleep inside of me screaming to be free
Is it the same for you

Life is full of promises
Can't you see its true
I believe in me, I believe in you

You pull me in, I push you back
Then we reverse the order
Oh this fearful, relentless tug of war inside of us
Its driving us apart
But how can we finish this, how can we heal
That which has no start

Life is full of promises
Can't you see its true
I believe in me, I believe in you

Life is full of promises
Can't you see its true
I believe in me, I believe in you

In The Rough, by Anna Nalick


You say you fell while holding diamonds in your hands
"It's your fault for running, holding diamonds," I said
And I offer no sympathy for that
I hear that it was you who died alone
And I offer no sympathy for that
Better off I sparkle on my own

And someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough

I turned around 3 times and wound up at your door
Now you say you know all you did not know before
And I offer no sympathy for that
I hear that it was you who died alone
And I offer no sympathy for that
Better off I sparkle on my own

And someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough

I got your love letters
I threw them all away
And I hear you think that I'm crazy
I'm driving 95
And I'm driving you away
And I shine a little more lately

Someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough

Someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough

I shine a little more lately