Hooch is our angel from the shelter. He's been with us just a day short of a week. He's turned our lives around and filled our home with love, laughter and more sunshine than the Florida sun. He loves my bed and my art brushes, they're off limits, but you try and tell him that. Oh, and Epi...man's other Best Friend

I Cry, by Vivian Hadding

I cry for all the sins
For this world's hate
I cry for all the mistakes
I make

For all the anger directed at my faith
And all the promises I can't take

I cry for all the love
I've yet to taste
Your eyes so tender
Full of grace

I cry when I must wake
And all the hopes that fill my head

While You Just Watch and Wait, by Vivian Hadding

Spend my time playing and praying
It will all turn around
I've gone past the point
Of wanting friends or anyone
To see me in such a sorry state

Cause every pore is weeping
As my heart keeps on bleeding
While you just watch and wait

Spend my time dancing and dreaming
Of love and better days
I want to keep believing
But my mind keeps on screaming
Is it too late?

And every pore is weeping
As my heart keeps on bleeding
And you just watch and wait

Woke up this morning
Just as hopeless and last night
Lost and lonely
Its hard to write
Its hard to paint

Cause every pore is weeping
As my heart keeps on bleeding
While you just watch and wait

Picked up my guitar
My best and only friend
True and solid
It sings of faith, it sings of grace
It holds me up, helps ease the pain

Cause every pore is weeping
As my heart keeps on bleeding
While you just watch and wait

But the music keeps me going
And my heart keeps on dreaming
The hurt will wash away
And I'll be worth loving
Sometime, someplace, someday

Cause every pore is weeping
As my heart keeps on bleeding
And you just watch and wait

Yes, every pore is weeping
And my heart it keeps on bleeding
While you just watch and wait

Acknowledging the Dream, from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

She felt alive
She realized for the first time in her life
It wasn't so much about being loved
But, rather
About acknowledging her love
Her worth, her life

She had spoken to the Dragon King
She had expressed her feelings
Her thoughts,
Despite her inhibitions
In an hour when it seemed
Her heart might never mend

He had listened patiently
Tenderly, but firm
And she loved him all the more for it
She appreciated him
His spirit no matter his outer guise
Man, dragon, underwater spirit
It mattered not
For he had been a friend
A teacher...her heart's love

He had believed in her
When she'd failed to see her own light
And now he knew
For she had told him
She had trusted her spirit
She'd confronted her feelings
She was freed

She had opened her heart
And having done so all sorrow
All pain had dissolved
She was open to life
All life

She played
She painted
She sang
And the tigers surrounded her
In love and mutual admiration
They had been waiting
Near an eternity
For her to wake up

She greeted them openly
And she smiled when they smiled
No longer fearful
Eager to partake of the dance

She knew not what the Dragon King would do
What he would say
But,
It no longer weighed down her heart
Her her part was done
She had passed her soul's test
She had confronted her fears
Her insecurities
She had learned to trust

Without strings
Without rules
Without wants
And the eagle
Seeing her smile
Enchanting, alight
Was drawn to her

Some of us live in a world of dreams
Seldom fully stepping forth into others reality
Left to our own delusions or devices
Depending on our current point of view

Its not that we don't appreciate the company of others
But, rather we are like bottles of wine
That must breathe
We need to study
To step back and analyze
To play

Sometimes it keeps us from being in the moment
But when we do step forth freely, without inhibition
The moment is truly ours
There is no stopping us then
No emotion so strong that it cannot be greeted
No wave so delicious that you dare not ride

That is the very stuff of dreams
Of heroes and heroines
Of lovers and dancers
Of artists and poets
Of teachers and friends
And...
Of a mind and a heart
That can never be enslaved

Letting Go...Honoring Change...Respecting Life's Lessons

So many changes of late...so many opportunities abound as well
But, there is an inherited sadness that dwells deep in my heart
A sadness born of many goodbyes

Goodbye to children suddenly too old to Mother in the ancient ways
Children independent and wise
Children who listen to their own voice
Not necessarily yours
But, no matter
We raised them that way,
To fail or fly
To honor their own visions
All we can do is sit back silently, watch and pray

Goodbye to my marriage
Nineteen years of numbered sweetness mingled with much pain
A man who I allowed to seep into my soul
One I thought might always be my friend
A knight in shinning armor not
Misplaced trust
But that's what you get
For giving yourself fully to another

People are strange that way
In that they change
Children, husbands, friends
Perhaps that's why long ago I only believed in the mountains
In the sea, the stars, the lakes
Trees where my original family after leaving the island of my birth
The ocean will always be my mother

Ok, so now you know I'm insane
Or else my being here is a huge mistake
Not entirely sure which its true yet
Perhaps a bit of both
But where was I...
Yes, letting go
Of my woods, my home, my animals and closest friends
Closest friends being my woods and animals
There is still such a great void in my heart
A void that I can't let loose for fear of drowning
God, Some times I feel so foolish

But, on to blessing and all that remains
I focus on my art,
My stories, my feeble attempts at music and dance
New opportunities that always fill the empty places in your life
I get up without fear of another's anger
I read without someone screaming
Play music and write for however long I want

I have a new home
A small, humble but peaceful apartment
I live on the third floor and have a small balcony
I was fortunate enough to find some palms and azaleas at Sam's
They were dying
When I bought them on clearance
I gave them love and attention
Mingled with fresh air, sunlight and rain...
They are radiant and fill me with grace

There is a small lake below me
Just a few yards from my building
I can see it from my living room
I can greet it from my balcony
And the many birds and wild ducks that swim there daily

Some nights when I am so alone
When my children don't come home
I sit there in the dark
With only a candle and the stars
To illuminate my heart

One night not too long ago
After an especially tough emotional week
I called forth an eagle
I needed a friend with wide vision
One who was objective yet, thoughtful
One who would help me break free

Oh, this letting go is so hard yet necessary
Don't ask me why
If it were up to me
I'd have found a way to keep my children little
I'd have found a way to heal my husband of all his hate
I would have had the power to keep him from putting my dogs and cat to sleep
I would have been there when he gave my feathered friends away
I would have stayed in my woods

But, life is about change
And mine was way over do
Now I must learn to trust life anew
I must fly with the eagle for a spell
And let the wind lift me
No illusions
No attachments...just trust

Broken Promises, Illusions and Dreams, by Vivian Hadding

So here we are again
Watching and waiting
Playing this game

But you've snubbed me repeatedly
Its no longer the same
Its a rip in my heart
One I can't mend

I remember your promise
Eyes burning bright
Whispers of hope
In my heart
Late at night
And the songs on the radio
Chorus of faith
In a dream long held steady
In a spiritual embrace

As I look at you now
I no longer believe
Was I foolish or something
Were we just a dream
But I saw all the signals
And I read all the signs
And your eyes how the screamed
Everything be alright

I wanted to hold you
I thought someday we would
But, you changed my illusion
Tore apart my belief

Now your spell has been broken
I'm no longer a slave
To your nonsense and faith
In love seen and unseen
To a promise unspoken
To a foolish one's dream
To a Dragon King's whispers
To an angel without wings

Aguila part one, By Vivian Hadding, from Songs for the Dragon King

And he began to fade
Or rather her memory of him
For in the Moon's shadow the trees had begun to sing
Their voices blended with her dreams
Their sweet breath soothed her troubled soul
Echoes, tigers roaring pulled at the edges of her dreams
And their cries lifted her spirit

She realized they were a part of her now
They had always been
Waiting and watching for her sign
A tenderness began to settle over her being
Melting her fears and her sorrows
Setting her free

Night drifted
A swift breeze teased her
She woke wondering
At the blanket of fragrant needles
Spread across her legs
For the trees had covered her with their branches,
Had patched her soul while she slept
She felt a stillness like no other
Her heart swelled with gratitude and love

Standing, she took a silver token from her necklace
A tiny bird in a battered cage
She walked to the roots of the youngest tree
Kissed its trunk and slipped a ribbon from her hair
She turned the latch
Opened the door of the cage
Reached as high as she could
Whispered a prayer and tied the token to its branch

She walked to the river's edge slowly
Wondering if it was wise
She was quite thirsty
She had been running till she collapsed last night
She drank and wash her face
She averted her eyes
Lest she see the Dragon's face
She dared not look into his eyes
For they had turned cold
They seemed to lack the love
They had once held for her
And she knew deep inside
She had to force her heart to let him go

But She needn't have worried
For the Dragon King had not stirred
He slept in the depths of his watery kingdom
During the night the ancient trees had moved closer to the river
They had positioned themselves as a shield for their sister
They had spread their branches
So as to block the sun from the Dragon King's eyes
And he was not aware of Shulynn
Her heart she now kept from him
And she danced once again for her family of trees
Not him
And hearing a melody of steps she turned
And the tigers came forth and asked her
"Were you the Dragon King's mistress?"
"Only in spirit." she replied
For in truth he had never touched her
Except with his heart.

Shulynn's Tears, from Songs for the Dragon King, by Vivian Hadding

She ran not knowing where she was going
All she knew was that she had to escape
There was so much pain
So much loss
He could not save her
No one could
She was lost and so alone

And the Dragon King had forsaken her
For he had taken back his love
His dream of hope and comfort
From her soul

And now there was no solace
No protection from the Evil Emperor
Nor his men
There was no hope
And she felt she could never
Ever love again

For the Dragon King unwittingly
Had stolen her heart,
Her breath,
Her soul

She stopped a little ways from the river
Remembering his words
"Do not be afraid"
Like ghosts in the wind
But she no longer believed him
She could no longer see
And knew not what to tell him
So she thought it best to stay away
Lest the indifference in his eyes
Break her heart
More than it already had

She hid behind the pine trees
Tall and twisted with time
She did not want him to see her
Crying, struggling to be free
With so little dignity

They, the trees dipped towards her
Shielding her heart farther
They whispered words of love
And brotherhood and belonging
She breathed them in deeply
Seeking their strength and tenderness
Seeking their love

Her heart began to beat slower,
Steadier
She wished she could be one of them
These brothers of light
Wished she could melt her being with theirs

And she called forth the Eagle
And she begged him to fold her in his wings
And boldly whisk her away
And she called out to the tiger as well
Knowing that he too was her brother
Hoping that wrapped in their arms
The memory of the Dragon King might someday
Fade away